Forget Me Not

My little one
You have left us too soon
Though I can no longer hold you
I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful
as this flower caught in time
A mother's love does not forget

3 Months Away from My Baby

They say as time goes by the pain becomes less, but I am struggling to believe them. It has been three months to the day since I got to see and hold my precious baby and it breaks my heart that I am that far away in time from him. I know that Nicoda is blessed and that he lives in heaven, spared from our fallen world -- but 3 months since the last time I got to kiss his face and feel his kicks feels like an eternity. I still go to the store and look at little clothes and think, "How cute he would be in this" -- only now I don't buy them.

Last Sunday I went to his gravesite and I was so upset -- I just wanted to scream and yell at the injustice it is that my son lives in a cementary....but before I could start, I felt his voice keep saying over and over to me, "I'm not here Mommy, I'm not here." I know it probably doesn't make sense to many people, but it was just another reminder to me that his grave is where I can grieve -- but he isn't there. He is being held in heaven -- eternally blessed.

Nicoda -- You are so blessed to be with Jesus. Remember at the same time God is holding you in His arms, I am holding you in my heart. I love you. I miss you. -- Mommy

Candle

I wanted to share a photo of my beautiful candle that was made for Nicoda. All of the flowers from the funeral were sent to a company that pressed them and made them into a hollow oil burning candle. It is so beautiful and I love that his flowers were able to be saved! I have the candle on my shelf with some of his other items, so I can see them each day.

Overwhelmed

Lately I have been overwhelmed -- with wanting to be with Khalid, with wanting Nicoda, with despair, with bitterness. I do not want a reason why he died medically, I want a reason why HE died. I am hurting so bad inside and out. My grief is becoming exhasting. I am surrounded by blessings from God, but so overcome with bitterness. :-( I need more prayers.

Father God,
You know me -- inside and out. You know how hard losing Nicoda has been for me. You know all that I am doing --right and wrong. You know my doubts, my questions, my pain. You know how fragile my faith is. When I cry each day, I know you hear me. When I so angry and can't keep it inside, I know you're there too. And when I come to you in prayer, I know you hold me. I know all of these things because you promised it to your people, now I am asking that besides knowing, that I feel it. You promised to fill our cups to overflowing....thats what I want. My cup is empty and I need something to bring me through this pain, so I can live again. I need your strength, your Spirt to awake me. Let me shine with your love. Let others see You through my weakness.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

Jacqueline and MJ (mini-Jacqueline)

My best friend, Jacqueline, is about to have her precious little girl. Maybe tomorrow or in two weeks, but the time is near. Please pray for her and the upcoming labor -- pray that everything goes as desired and MJ comes home healthy! I am posting my first picture with MJ (Jacqueline is in the picture as well). :-) I got to feel her move and catch up with Jacqueline during my layover in Chicago.

It was only yesterday when I was at York and slowly this amazing classmate of mine became my friend and then my best friend. I was in her wedding and we have shared our lives together since. We have laughed together, cried together, and even took a road trip to NYC. When I found out I was pregnant last year, she was one of the first people I told and we began a different journey as we were pregnant together as well. Since Nicoda was born, Jacqueline has been there as much as she could for me -- cards, prayers, listening to me cry for hours. Just today I got a CD from her in the mail where one of the songs is a baby singing to his mommy from heaven and telling her not to worry. It was a heart wrenching song for me (although amazing) and I was reminded what a great friend I have.

Don't forget to pray.... :-)

Hubby Time

Yea! for God and His immeasurable blessings. Although I am hurting so much and wish that one of my blessings had been Nicoda for longer, I am so glad that I was able to spend 5 glorious weeks with Khalid.

The most exciting thing that we did each day was just be together. Khalid was AMAZING at being supportive. I cried everyday – usually in the mornings because I dream so badly – and he held me everyday. Even when I knew he was weary of all the tears….What a Blessing! We watched A LOT of movies (yeah for youtube) because there was not much else to do at our dorm-like apartment. We were about an hour train ride outside of Vienna, so only went into the city for our two visits to the American Consulate. We walked around the countryside as well – for the first two weeks we had knee length snow, then knee length mud. ☺ What a Blessing! Almost each day we made lunch or dinner into quite an affair for the sole reason of having something to do. Khalid is so praiseworthy of my cooking that it was fun to keep trying new recipes on him. What a Blessing! Also each day we would read questions from a “Would You Rather…” book. It helped bring up new words for Khalid to learn and to discuss some serious and some silly topics. What a Blessing!

Words we learned: the differences between pride, honor, glory (hard!) differences in the words cap, cup, and cab (which he first thought were all cap), grief, anniversary, bankrupt, prisoner, jury, and guard (because a big court case is going on in Austria). And the learning lessons were also for me….I learned to write my name, Khalid’s and Nicoda’s names in Persian. I practiced greetings and numbers as well – although I won’t lie that I am truly awful at learning languages. I was constantly amazed how fast Khalid would pick up on words and phrases….especially my phrases. How telling of me that my husband calls people ‘pissants’ when he is annoyed and yells ‘Bullcrap’ at me when we are arguing. Whenever he uses a truly American phrase in an argument – the argument is usually over because I cannot stop laughing.

As to paperwork – we applied for some paperwork from Afghanistan, but if the American Consulate doesn’t think it is offical enough we are at a standstill STILL. Which leaves our only options for me to move to Austria or for both of us to immigrant to a different country. Very frustrating and we need a lot of prayer. It is unacceptable to me that Khalid should not even be allowed to see Nicoda’s grave or meet my family. The consulate general spent more time questioning if we were married for the right reasons (like anyone would go to this much work or have a baby together) instead of brainstorming paperwork solutions. Ahhh!

Faith was a big topic for us while I was there as well. Khalid is a relatively new Christian and I being very confused and hurt. But again my husband shocked me and was AMAZING. He has days that he questions and gets angry, but they never mirrored mine – so he reassured me day after day that God has a plan….God loves us….God is taking care of Nicoda….and mostly importantly again and again GOD HAS A PLAN FOR US. What a blessing I have for a husband!

March 16th -- Come and Gone

March 16th came and went before I was prepared. It was a day that I thought my life would be changed forever and as I sat up most of the night crying, I realized it was changed forever.  It was the day Nicoda was supposed to be here.   Khalid and I looked at Nicoda’s pictures the night before and talked about how life is different now. Khalid told me that we have to start viewing Nicoda as a diamond – something so valuable. And just like people don’t wear a 5-carat diamond everyday, we don’t get to carry Nicoda around. But that doesn’t mean we can’t walk around and be proud of what a treasure we have and that is waiting for us in heaven.  

March 16th was also Khalid and I’s 10-month anniversary. Khalid can’t pronounce anniversary so he said “Happy University” to me all day – so cute! After a very emotional night for me, I put of my happy face and we celebrated by having one of Khalid’s meals – Big Mac Value Meal! Then we went bowling – it was Khalid’s first time, so I am ashamed to admit that he still won 2 out of 3. Apparently he just needed the first game to learn and conquer. ☺

Struggling

I'm back in America and to be honest, it is awful. My feelings of peace for Nicoda have disappeared and I miss my husband more than ever. Khalid and I had almost 6 heavenly weeks together and it is heart wrenching to be back here. I feel more alone than before I left -- and here has so many memories of Nicoda that it is not as easy to move through each day. I will blog more about my trip later, but wanted to ask people to pray and pray alot. My heart can't take being away from Khalid for too much longer....

I Wanted So Much For You

I wanted so much more for you, my sweet little baby.
I wanted to change your diapers, not my life.
I wanted to nurse you, not my grief.
I wanted to dress you up, not bury you.
I wanted to hear the sounds of you crying for me at night,
not my sounds of crying for you, my precious baby.
I wanted to see you grow, not the grass upon your grave.
I wanted to see you asleep in your crib, not in your funeral bassinet.
I wanted to give you life, not death.
I wanted to show you off to the world, not continue without you.
I wanted to design your nursery, not your headstone.
I wanted to pick up after you, not put down my dreams for you.
I wanted to hold you in my arms, not your pictures.
I wanted to show you to your daddy, not make him wait for heaven.
I wanted to tell you about Jesus, not you meet him before I.
I wanted to watch you become something on Earth, not an angel.
I wanted to wake up to you late at night, not to my sorrow.
I wanted so much for you, my newly born and gone child.
I wanted so much more
I wanted so much
I wanted
I wanted YOU.


Lord Jesus, grieving is as natural and as common as loving. I want to help make it as acceptable, too. May my healing journey spark healing in those around me. Amen.

Time In Austria

My time in Austria is about to finish and I have been so blessed. Being with my husband has been a balm to my heart that I could have never imagined. The first month without Nicoda (it has been two months since last Friday) was so hard I thought I would die with the pain. And although it is still so hard and painful and I miss him so much everyday,I have a peace in my heart. MercyMe has a song titled Homesick and it speaks to me so much. I'll put the lyrics at the bottom, but it talks about how hard life is on Earth when your heart is truly in heaven with the ones you love. My best friend Jacqueline also blessed me by telling me of her friend who had a dream of Nicoda being in heaven. It comforted me to know that Nicoda was in heaven and being held.

My due date is next week as well and it makes this week very hard. I just keep imagining what my life was supposed to be like this week. I also keep struggling in my sleep -- I dream so much about the days before Nicoda died almost as if my brain is looking for a reason or something I did or didn't do. It is heartbreaking to wake up and relive his loss every morning.

In addition although Khalid and I have LOVED almost every minute together -- we are still frustrated by his visa process. We are not one bit closer to being together forever and is hard preparing to be alone again -- for both of us. The consulate here has given us NO hope and they are offensive to even talk to because they refuse to answer questions and only question the validly of our marriage. Ahh!

Please continue to pray healing for Khalid and I for Nicoda, pray for his visa process -- even if it just that someone accidentally stamps his file, and pray as I travel back to America and the pain that comes from being apart.

Homesick Lyrics
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now