no luck... :-(

I declared today a pamper Stacia day and went and did lots of little things I like. I got a new haircut, my eyebrows done, ate Chick-fil-A, had ice cream, got a pedicure (thanks Jack), and played games with my nephew. I was still really sad inside and battled with myself all day trying NOT to be angry. But it was all in vain because...
I got home and took out Nicoda's clay hand and foot impressions and they were all molded over. I think I scared my housemates because I screamed -- I just couldn't believe that the one thing I have of my son got ruined. :-( i'm over the limit that anyone should have to handle...

too many emotions to count

as i sat down to try and write on this, i kept thinking what am i feeling? what am I thinking? and I'm not thinking or feeling any one thing. Mostly though I am angry and bitter. It rotates between being angry at work, myself, America, God, whoever happens to be there, pregnant women...the list can go on and on. At a support meeting the other day, my friend said something that has stuck with me. That our security has been violated, so nothing will ever be the same again. And I think that is how I feel the most. So anger because the way I used to picture God and life is now gone and is replaced with an even bleaker picture of the world. And without my firm trust in God for purpose, my whole world is rocked. No child is supposed be to taken away -- yet it happens to millions of people. I go and visit Nicoda everyday and you would not believe how many little friends he is there with. Babies buried from the 1940's til now -- and all of them with flowers on them still. Because they were a part of someone's life and dreams. It is so unfair. I cry and scream everyday because it is so unfair. I am breaking under this weight and I don't feel God at all. I have never in all my life felt so alone, never felt so unloved. I understand Moses when he said 'if this is the way you are going to treat me, put me to death at once'. In Hebrews it says "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he punishes every son he accepts." I just wish I knew what it was I was being punished for...so I could protect my next children. Everyone keeps saying God doesn't work like that, but He does. How quickly we forget that the Old Testament is evidence of God's anger and punishment over and over again for people's stupidity and unbelief. Well he has my attention -- and I believe that He is there and sovereign and loving -- but to those He choses and in the way He choses.

Today at work I found out that one of my parents is pregnant and it spiraled my whole day. This woman who has an adorable baby already in foster care because she can't drop her crack addiction and she gets to have another baby. A baby that needs to be protected; a baby that would be blessed to NOT be born to her and she gets him. But my so wanted and loved son is taken away. Where is the reasoning, the logic?

"My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say "Gone is my glory, an all that I had hoped for from the Lord" -- Lamentations (now I understand why this book is in the Bible)

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken? Why are you so far from helping me from the words of my groaning? Oh my God, I cry by day but you do not answer, and by night, but find no rest."

I need peace and I need a new joy. My cup is empty and my heart is broken... I need the God that I used to trust and find comfort in. :-(

Nicoda: Forever Remembered Me: Forever Changed

Today I was sitting and thinking about how I feel inside -- how others think I should feel -- how people treat me now -- how much my life has changed. And I realized that Nicoda dying isn't a broken arm or an injury...it can't be healed and I'll never be the same Stacia again. I won't be able to have a worry free pregnancy next time, I won't be able to let any loved ones go without a part of me worrying. My life is changed, my heart is changed. I know this numb feeling inside, this fog I walk through each day will slowly go away. I know the heart wrenching pain that is in me, the one that goes deeper than tears will lessen as time goes by. But I also know that a part of me will never be so care-free again. I lost a child -- my child, my Nicoda.

People are harder to deal with now as well. They want to make you feel better and that is why I am sure parents around the world ignore the stupid things they say. "You'll be able to help others now" is one of them. Who in the midst of grief and anger wants to hear that their babies death is because NOW they will be able to help the next mommy. "God wanted Nicoda for Himself" is another that is hurtful for me (although I know not for all) because I don't want to think that God stole Nicoda, that He is selfish. My God is just as broken-hearted as me that Nicoda had to die and that Khalid and I have to suffer. "You're young...you'll have more babies" -- but not Nicoda isn't replaceable.

But what does help is when people just let me know that they will remember my son as well...that Nicoda doesn't disappear and isn't forgotten just because he didn't cry like other babies. He was stillborn, but born still. It is also helps for me just to know that people are thinking of me...I don't expect anyone to have an answer or know what to say. "I am thinking of you" and "I love you" are enough -- that's all anyone can do from the outside. God has to take care of the inside.

I thought today how exteremly blessed I am as well. I have people in my life that have just opened their arms (or cell phones) to let me cry and vent. I am so blessed to have so many friends and family to call to check on me. I am so blessed to have the bestest best friend in the whole world -- because now only does she make sure I know that she is thinking of me, her whole family has sent so many prayers and cards to help as well. And I am blessed to have such a patient husband -- who answers his phone at all hours of the night to listen to me cry and make me smile.

God is the Good Shepherd -- He is standing by me and is grieving with me. And thank goodness, God is patient with me as well because I can become so angry at Him for not protecting Nicoda. It is interesting how my mind can find so many people (usually me or God) to blame for Nicoda dying, but my heart doesn't give up on the knowledge that God is there.

'I love you Nicoda Shaw Hamidi. There is no purer love than a mother's love for her child. I am sorry that we did not get the time together that I had dreamed. But you will always be my son, a part of me. I won't say good-bye though...not to you, not ever. Because that is too final, and my love for you is stronger than this world.'

unhappy birthday

i am in a weird, unknown place with my birthday being tomorrow...or today before I am done writing this. i have always loved my birthday beyond what is considered normal or traditional. My mom and husband were forced to celebrate my birthday month and week with me -- and my best friend Jacqueline would celebrate it with me willingly. but now I just wish it was any other day, but the day i USED to be so happy on. because I'm not happy...i feel as if I am the opposite of happy, but that is sad and I feel so much worse than sad. i know people will say 'Happy Birthday' and I will have to either force a smile or let them know that no, it isn't a happy one.

i attended a support group meeting tonight and it was again such a bittersweet thing. so many people who could understand the emptiness and anger inside of me, but i don't want to belong to that club. i want Nicoda so bad...I can still feel him kick and still remember how perfect he was when I got hold him.

i also started back to work this week which I now think was very stupid. my body aches by the end of the day and i feel borderline crazy trying to juggle all the little details that need to be done. i also put in my resignation though -- so that I when my two weeks is up, I will be free to fly and be with Khalid. I can't wait to see him but I am also nervous because I know it will be heart wrenching to share our grief together. And because it breaks Khalid's heart when I cry, so he prefers if I don't -- but since I cry on average twice a day now I am afraid it will be too much for him to handle. :-( So many things to think about -- things I shouldn't have to.

my new prayer that I need help praying is that i begin to understand that I don't have to be okay...that I can cry and scream and that is okay. I am always so worried about what others think and what is the right thing to do -- but right now there are no rights and wrongs, no rules or how to books to deal with this. i just need to do each day....

Saddest Day of My Life

I feel like writing about my little Nicoda -- although writing is so bittersweet. I want everyone to know how precious he was and how perfect, but writing about it just reminds me that it is real.

On January 5th, I went to the hospital because I was worried about Nicoda not kicking and on January 6th, Nicoda was born stillborn at 31 weeks. The doctor said it was a rare disorder that made the placenta not provide Nicoda with enough oxygen as he got bigger. They kept assuring me that this would not affect having other kids and I just wanted to scream at all of them that I was not worried about other kids...I want my baby boy. My Nicoda Shaw. I got to hold him for hours afterward and it was so easy to convince myself that he was just sleeping. I mean he was perfect! All his precious little toes and fingers and a full head of hair. But they had to take him away and reality had to set in that God had given me the most beautiful gift and then ripped it away. God allowed me to feel such joy of him growing inside me and then allowed all of Khalid's and mine's dreams to disappear.

Now instead of my beautiful baby inside me, I just have despair and anger. Never in all of my life did I imagine that I would have to plan a funeral and place my baby in the ground. Never should a mommy have to kiss her baby and place him in a coffin. Never should a daddy not be given the chance to hold his son. Never should a human heart have to withstand this type of heartbreak and pain.

The funeral arrangements took what felt like forever to plan and was shocking for myself, Khalid, and my family: all the little details and the cost. It was a good distraction for a week though and then the funeral. The home was set up so beautiful with Nicoda in his bassinet. He was dressed in a little green giraffe outfit and we put several of his giraffe stuffed animals with him. He also had his Royals jersey and a Royals baseball from his papa. The home was decorated with his precious photos and so many people came from my work and from churches. I could handle all of that, but then I had to ride with Nicoda to the cemetery and thats when I went cold inside. My little boy in a box, in the ground -- instead of inside of me or in my arms. I feel like the worst mom in the world -- I couldn't protect my baby and now I have left him alone in the ground. There are not enough tears or words to describe how broken I am. Not enough days in this lifetime to make me forget Nicoda or to ever stop missing the angel who touched my life in such a big way.

So now I have new prayers -- ones that you can help by praying for me as well. "Father God, teach me to embrace my grief and not fight it, so that I may experience the true healing that comes from You. Carry me in your arms until I am able to walk again. Amen." My other prayer is not for myself but for my heartbroken husband..."Father in Heaven, hold Khalid in your arms as he searches for meaning. Draw him closer to You and to me. Let him experience such peace that he can not deny it is from You. Amen"