Just Be There

You don't know how I feel; please don't tell me that you do. There's just one way to know--have you lost a child too?" You'll have another child"--must I hear this every day? Can I get another mother, too, if mine should pass away?

Don't say it was "God's will"--that's not the God I know. Would God, on purpose, break my heart, then watch as my tears flow?" You have an angel in heaven--a precious child above. "But tell me, to whom here on earth shall I give all this love?

"Aren't you better yet?" Is that what I heard you say? No! A part of my heart aches and I'll always feel some pain. You think that silence is kind, but it hurts me even more. I want to talk about my child who has gone through death's door.

Don't say these things to me, although you do mean well. They do not take my pain away; I must go through this hell. I will get better, slow but sure--and it helps to have you near. And a simple "I'm sorry you lost your child" is all I need to hear.

~ Gail Fasolo ~

Nicoda Shaw Hamidi

Discouraged

I can't think of a better word to describe myself right now...discouraged. Well maybe depressed would work as well. :-( People try to make me feel better or give me advice, but it's like trying to water a dead plant. It has been 13 months with no hubby and 6 months with no Nicoda -- and it doesn't seem to be getting better. No amount of crying, no amount of praying, no amount of dreaming is changing that everything sucks right now. I try to read my Bible, but -what is it that people say - that at different points in your life you see different things in Scripture. Well when I read the OT, I see over and over how God punishes the Israelites....and that is how I feel, punished. Whether for some unknown horrible sin or maybe because I was going to be a bad mother -- who knows. And the NT...all about how much God loves us -- and I get that He loves Nicoda, He let him be born into heaven -- but where is the love for me and Khalid. When does this earthly hell end? When does the God of peace hold me and the God of justice bring my husband and I together? Where is God when I cry for days all alone and the phone never even rings? Where is God when I need my husband so bad and Homeland Security doesn't even believe we are in love? I feel like Humpty Dumpty (besides my baby fat), I just don't know know if it'll get put back together again.....