Bitter :-(

Last Friday would have been Nicoda's first birthday..had God seen fit for him to live. It was a VERY hard day for me. I can't even describe the emptiness that fills my heart when I think of Nicoda -- it is like I lost something and am constantly in a state of panic searching for him. I don't understand!!! How did I get 'chosen' to have all my dreams pulled away -- no husband to hold me and no baby to take care of? Is it Satan being himself or is God punishing me for some sin? Is it my fault for dreaming so much...for planning out Nicoda's life until he was 60 before I even heard him cry. I wonder everyday if I hadn't dreamed so much, if it would hurt less.

Tomorrow I leave to go be with my husband for a few weeks and I am sad for my him because not even that excites me right now. I know it will be SO comforting, but there is no joy. Yet talking to Khalid is almost the only time each day I smile, so maybe it will be more than just comforting. I feel so torn leaving Kansas City too -- I feel like I am leaving Nicoda. I visit his grave everyday and now I won't be able to there for 6 weeks. And at the same time it makes me so mad because it is only 6 weeks....6 weeks to spend with my husband then I am back to being alone again.

My life and brain has turned into a great contradiction as well...
I would never chose anyone I love to go through this pain, yet I long for someone to understand. I need God so much, yet my trust in Him is shattered. I cry everyday, yet never seem to run out of tears. I love that my precious baby, Nicoda is in heaven, but my arms ache that he is not with me. I am so grateful for how people have prayed for me and so angry the need to pray is even there.

So to continue the contradictions please pray that I can go at least one day without breaking down and pray that this is all a dream and that I will wake up on January 5to a different life.

How Long, Lord, how long? Show Me Light...

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:2).

Please pray this prayer with me...it is hard to even write my prayer which is why I know I need help praying it. Praise the Lord that the Spirit can speak what our hearts groan, so that at this time when my heart aches to much to even speak, my prayers can be taken into the throne room.

Dear Lord,
Today I lift myself up to You. I am hurting so much and need the comfort only You can provide. I don't understand why so many crappy things happen in my life -- especially losing Nicoda. But help me to trust that you are working all things into good -- whether I see it here or in heaven. I ask that you continue to work in me as you heal my broken heart. Please give me people to support and help me along. Help them to know what to say and do and when not to say anything. You are a God who desires wholeness -- and I have seen you give this in others and in the Scriptures. So I beg you to please make me whole again -- mind, body, and spirit. Please also fill my cup up enough so I can support Khalid when he needs it. In your Son's name. Amen

Thank you for helping me pray and thank you for caring. I don't know how I go through most days and I don't want to imagine how hard it would be without so many others lifting me up in prayer. Thank you so much!