Shout Outs

As I mentioned in my previous post these past weeks have been awful. I am not even sure why I have been hopping back and forth between living and despair.....but it is miserable. In 4 days I am sure I clocked at least 10 solid hours of crying and sobbing. Talk about a headache.... :-( When I have those days (today is a been a breather) it is a feeling of complete hopelessness. I feel as I have no reason to go on and I spend hours begging God to take me to heaven. But God sent His people love me through the dark days and nights....

Thank you Leah and Carol for being Jesus' arms when I felt I couldn't get more alone.
Thank you Heidi for constantly lifting me up in prayer and praying over me.
Thank you Rachael for a blessed massage that helped me sleep.

And thank you God that when I am so bitter at the unjustness and unfairness of this world -- you just take my anger and keep on loving me.

Father, my earthly eyes are getting in the way of Your truth. Even when I don't feel it or especially when I don't feel it, help me to know without a doubt Your goodness and faithfulness are in my life. Mold the desires of my heart to be Yours. Amen.

Seasons Change

This past week was very traumatic for me. I have been spiraling since Easter and this week was not any better. The best way to explain how I feel is a roller coaster of emotions. I am out of the stage of grief where it I’m depressed 24/7 – but I feel as if that not being depressed all the time is harder. I will have a couple of days where I can see the sunshine and I can hope for tomorrows….then it is whamo! and the truck hits me again. It is so hard to get a glimpse of where I want to be and then to be taken back to the down in the gut wrenching pain. Sometimes it rotates day by day, sometime hour by hour.

This week I spiraled because they seeded Nicoda’s grave.

In my head that line deserves its own paragraph because of how hard it has been this week because of it. I broke down at the cemetery when I saw because it just is one more way to cement in my mind that Nicoda is gone….gone as in forever. That was Monday – so Tuesday I didn’t even leave my bed and Wednesday I spent the day again at the cemetery. Thursday I had to work and I went to Bible study which also makes me feel better. Friday started out great – I was teaching 4th grade and excited to go to the Royals game that night. Then we got to the SOLD OUT Royals game and I realized our section was the pregnant women and babies section (not really but it seemed that way). All happiness gone, all desire to be there, and a huge anxiety attack. All those women have what I cannot have…..and it isn’t fair.

For awhile I was at a point where the why didn’t matter anymore; I’m back to it mattering. I want to know WHY!?! Why my baby? If I ever saw a friend or family member hurting like me – I couldn’t take it. I would need to do something to take it away….so if God really loves me why doesn’t He help me? Why didn’t He stop Nicoda from dying? Why doesn’t He let me be with Khalid? Why did he let me go to a game that would devastate me? Why is He so far away? I can’t wrap my mind around it…I can’t see through the pain enough. I know all of the “Bible” answers to those questions, but they don’t soothe my raw, bleeding emotions. I know God is there because He promised to be – but I don’t feel Him or see Him. I feel alone – I am alone.

I want to be held….I want to sleep again….I want to hold my son….I want my husband!

Kids Say the Darn'dst Things

I have to pay the bills somehow and since I can't emotionally handle foster care anymore, I am subbing. I enjoy it though -- it keeps my mind busy and I love children. And the things they say.... :-)

"I know why girls have babies in their tummies and boys don't," said one little 1st grader.
"Why is that?"
He replied, "Because girls are gross AND babies are gross."

"Mrs. H (they can't say Hamidi), do you have any kids?" (3rd grade boy)
"Yes, I have a one son, but he is in heaven now."
"Ohhhh....he was in the Army." (said so matter factly like all Army guys die. HA)

But the things they say are not always so funny. One little girl when I was teaching Art (of all things) came up to me crying because the girl next to her had drawn a picture for her brother. The little girl was upset because she said her mom went to the hospital to have her brother, but her brother didn't get to come home. He had to go to heaven. To say the least, it was a punch in the gut. I gave her hug and tried so hard not to sob....(I also let her go to the nurses office for the rest of class). One little girl just yesterday told me that she couldn't write about Easter in her journal because she hadn't celebrated it yet. She explained that her Mom talked to God who talked to the Easter Bunny and it was decided that Easter would held off until her brother came home from chemo treatment. She is hoping it is this week.... :-( I am not sure why God has me hear their sad stories -- sometimes they send me spiraling down for the day -- but they touched me and maybe that is why. So somebody would remember to pray.

My favorite sub story deals with Nicoda directly -- which is why it is my favorite. I was teaching a 3rd grade class (4 days) and met a cute girl from another class during the freezing recess. She offered to walk with me to help me stay warm. While walking and talking, she asked me if I believe in God. I told her yes. She explained that she is Muslim and prays to Allah who is like God. I told her that I knew about Muslims because my husband used to be Muslim. She was shocked at this, but asked if we had any kids. I told her what I always tell the kids -- "Yes, one son who is in heaven." She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and told me how sorry she was. She told me that Allah would take care of my baby and she would pray for my husband and I. She's 9. A few days later I was in her classroom to help with a test, and I saw her name printed on her desk. Nargiz....the name of my mother-in-law who is also in heaven. I was excited to meet someone with that name, and only later realized what a blessing I had encountered. Never since Nicoda died did I even consider that he might be with his grandmother. I cried and truly feel that Khalid's mom wanted me to know that she is taking care of Nicoda. I tear up just writing this story because it gives me goosebumps and makes me even more excited to be in heaven -- to see my baby and meet Khalid's parents.

God is all around us. Even in our darkest times, He sends what you need.... Maybe for that day it is tears to release emotions, a friend to hug you, anger to get you out of bed, or a precious 9 year old to remind that God is bigger than all things. I still don't believe that God chose me to lose a child -- something so awful could only come from Satan -- but I do believe that God will work through this pain. To Him be the glory forever.

Forget Me Not

My little one
You have left us too soon
Though I can no longer hold you
I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful
as this flower caught in time
A mother's love does not forget

3 Months Away from My Baby

They say as time goes by the pain becomes less, but I am struggling to believe them. It has been three months to the day since I got to see and hold my precious baby and it breaks my heart that I am that far away in time from him. I know that Nicoda is blessed and that he lives in heaven, spared from our fallen world -- but 3 months since the last time I got to kiss his face and feel his kicks feels like an eternity. I still go to the store and look at little clothes and think, "How cute he would be in this" -- only now I don't buy them.

Last Sunday I went to his gravesite and I was so upset -- I just wanted to scream and yell at the injustice it is that my son lives in a cementary....but before I could start, I felt his voice keep saying over and over to me, "I'm not here Mommy, I'm not here." I know it probably doesn't make sense to many people, but it was just another reminder to me that his grave is where I can grieve -- but he isn't there. He is being held in heaven -- eternally blessed.

Nicoda -- You are so blessed to be with Jesus. Remember at the same time God is holding you in His arms, I am holding you in my heart. I love you. I miss you. -- Mommy

Candle

I wanted to share a photo of my beautiful candle that was made for Nicoda. All of the flowers from the funeral were sent to a company that pressed them and made them into a hollow oil burning candle. It is so beautiful and I love that his flowers were able to be saved! I have the candle on my shelf with some of his other items, so I can see them each day.

Overwhelmed

Lately I have been overwhelmed -- with wanting to be with Khalid, with wanting Nicoda, with despair, with bitterness. I do not want a reason why he died medically, I want a reason why HE died. I am hurting so bad inside and out. My grief is becoming exhasting. I am surrounded by blessings from God, but so overcome with bitterness. :-( I need more prayers.

Father God,
You know me -- inside and out. You know how hard losing Nicoda has been for me. You know all that I am doing --right and wrong. You know my doubts, my questions, my pain. You know how fragile my faith is. When I cry each day, I know you hear me. When I so angry and can't keep it inside, I know you're there too. And when I come to you in prayer, I know you hold me. I know all of these things because you promised it to your people, now I am asking that besides knowing, that I feel it. You promised to fill our cups to overflowing....thats what I want. My cup is empty and I need something to bring me through this pain, so I can live again. I need your strength, your Spirt to awake me. Let me shine with your love. Let others see You through my weakness.

In Jesus Name, Amen.