Jacqueline and MJ (mini-Jacqueline)

My best friend, Jacqueline, is about to have her precious little girl. Maybe tomorrow or in two weeks, but the time is near. Please pray for her and the upcoming labor -- pray that everything goes as desired and MJ comes home healthy! I am posting my first picture with MJ (Jacqueline is in the picture as well). :-) I got to feel her move and catch up with Jacqueline during my layover in Chicago.

It was only yesterday when I was at York and slowly this amazing classmate of mine became my friend and then my best friend. I was in her wedding and we have shared our lives together since. We have laughed together, cried together, and even took a road trip to NYC. When I found out I was pregnant last year, she was one of the first people I told and we began a different journey as we were pregnant together as well. Since Nicoda was born, Jacqueline has been there as much as she could for me -- cards, prayers, listening to me cry for hours. Just today I got a CD from her in the mail where one of the songs is a baby singing to his mommy from heaven and telling her not to worry. It was a heart wrenching song for me (although amazing) and I was reminded what a great friend I have.

Don't forget to pray.... :-)

Hubby Time

Yea! for God and His immeasurable blessings. Although I am hurting so much and wish that one of my blessings had been Nicoda for longer, I am so glad that I was able to spend 5 glorious weeks with Khalid.

The most exciting thing that we did each day was just be together. Khalid was AMAZING at being supportive. I cried everyday – usually in the mornings because I dream so badly – and he held me everyday. Even when I knew he was weary of all the tears….What a Blessing! We watched A LOT of movies (yeah for youtube) because there was not much else to do at our dorm-like apartment. We were about an hour train ride outside of Vienna, so only went into the city for our two visits to the American Consulate. We walked around the countryside as well – for the first two weeks we had knee length snow, then knee length mud. ☺ What a Blessing! Almost each day we made lunch or dinner into quite an affair for the sole reason of having something to do. Khalid is so praiseworthy of my cooking that it was fun to keep trying new recipes on him. What a Blessing! Also each day we would read questions from a “Would You Rather…” book. It helped bring up new words for Khalid to learn and to discuss some serious and some silly topics. What a Blessing!

Words we learned: the differences between pride, honor, glory (hard!) differences in the words cap, cup, and cab (which he first thought were all cap), grief, anniversary, bankrupt, prisoner, jury, and guard (because a big court case is going on in Austria). And the learning lessons were also for me….I learned to write my name, Khalid’s and Nicoda’s names in Persian. I practiced greetings and numbers as well – although I won’t lie that I am truly awful at learning languages. I was constantly amazed how fast Khalid would pick up on words and phrases….especially my phrases. How telling of me that my husband calls people ‘pissants’ when he is annoyed and yells ‘Bullcrap’ at me when we are arguing. Whenever he uses a truly American phrase in an argument – the argument is usually over because I cannot stop laughing.

As to paperwork – we applied for some paperwork from Afghanistan, but if the American Consulate doesn’t think it is offical enough we are at a standstill STILL. Which leaves our only options for me to move to Austria or for both of us to immigrant to a different country. Very frustrating and we need a lot of prayer. It is unacceptable to me that Khalid should not even be allowed to see Nicoda’s grave or meet my family. The consulate general spent more time questioning if we were married for the right reasons (like anyone would go to this much work or have a baby together) instead of brainstorming paperwork solutions. Ahhh!

Faith was a big topic for us while I was there as well. Khalid is a relatively new Christian and I being very confused and hurt. But again my husband shocked me and was AMAZING. He has days that he questions and gets angry, but they never mirrored mine – so he reassured me day after day that God has a plan….God loves us….God is taking care of Nicoda….and mostly importantly again and again GOD HAS A PLAN FOR US. What a blessing I have for a husband!

March 16th -- Come and Gone

March 16th came and went before I was prepared. It was a day that I thought my life would be changed forever and as I sat up most of the night crying, I realized it was changed forever.  It was the day Nicoda was supposed to be here.   Khalid and I looked at Nicoda’s pictures the night before and talked about how life is different now. Khalid told me that we have to start viewing Nicoda as a diamond – something so valuable. And just like people don’t wear a 5-carat diamond everyday, we don’t get to carry Nicoda around. But that doesn’t mean we can’t walk around and be proud of what a treasure we have and that is waiting for us in heaven.  

March 16th was also Khalid and I’s 10-month anniversary. Khalid can’t pronounce anniversary so he said “Happy University” to me all day – so cute! After a very emotional night for me, I put of my happy face and we celebrated by having one of Khalid’s meals – Big Mac Value Meal! Then we went bowling – it was Khalid’s first time, so I am ashamed to admit that he still won 2 out of 3. Apparently he just needed the first game to learn and conquer. ☺

Struggling

I'm back in America and to be honest, it is awful. My feelings of peace for Nicoda have disappeared and I miss my husband more than ever. Khalid and I had almost 6 heavenly weeks together and it is heart wrenching to be back here. I feel more alone than before I left -- and here has so many memories of Nicoda that it is not as easy to move through each day. I will blog more about my trip later, but wanted to ask people to pray and pray alot. My heart can't take being away from Khalid for too much longer....

I Wanted So Much For You

I wanted so much more for you, my sweet little baby.
I wanted to change your diapers, not my life.
I wanted to nurse you, not my grief.
I wanted to dress you up, not bury you.
I wanted to hear the sounds of you crying for me at night,
not my sounds of crying for you, my precious baby.
I wanted to see you grow, not the grass upon your grave.
I wanted to see you asleep in your crib, not in your funeral bassinet.
I wanted to give you life, not death.
I wanted to show you off to the world, not continue without you.
I wanted to design your nursery, not your headstone.
I wanted to pick up after you, not put down my dreams for you.
I wanted to hold you in my arms, not your pictures.
I wanted to show you to your daddy, not make him wait for heaven.
I wanted to tell you about Jesus, not you meet him before I.
I wanted to watch you become something on Earth, not an angel.
I wanted to wake up to you late at night, not to my sorrow.
I wanted so much for you, my newly born and gone child.
I wanted so much more
I wanted so much
I wanted
I wanted YOU.


Lord Jesus, grieving is as natural and as common as loving. I want to help make it as acceptable, too. May my healing journey spark healing in those around me. Amen.

Time In Austria

My time in Austria is about to finish and I have been so blessed. Being with my husband has been a balm to my heart that I could have never imagined. The first month without Nicoda (it has been two months since last Friday) was so hard I thought I would die with the pain. And although it is still so hard and painful and I miss him so much everyday,I have a peace in my heart. MercyMe has a song titled Homesick and it speaks to me so much. I'll put the lyrics at the bottom, but it talks about how hard life is on Earth when your heart is truly in heaven with the ones you love. My best friend Jacqueline also blessed me by telling me of her friend who had a dream of Nicoda being in heaven. It comforted me to know that Nicoda was in heaven and being held.

My due date is next week as well and it makes this week very hard. I just keep imagining what my life was supposed to be like this week. I also keep struggling in my sleep -- I dream so much about the days before Nicoda died almost as if my brain is looking for a reason or something I did or didn't do. It is heartbreaking to wake up and relive his loss every morning.

In addition although Khalid and I have LOVED almost every minute together -- we are still frustrated by his visa process. We are not one bit closer to being together forever and is hard preparing to be alone again -- for both of us. The consulate here has given us NO hope and they are offensive to even talk to because they refuse to answer questions and only question the validly of our marriage. Ahh!

Please continue to pray healing for Khalid and I for Nicoda, pray for his visa process -- even if it just that someone accidentally stamps his file, and pray as I travel back to America and the pain that comes from being apart.

Homesick Lyrics
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Bitter :-(

Last Friday would have been Nicoda's first birthday..had God seen fit for him to live. It was a VERY hard day for me. I can't even describe the emptiness that fills my heart when I think of Nicoda -- it is like I lost something and am constantly in a state of panic searching for him. I don't understand!!! How did I get 'chosen' to have all my dreams pulled away -- no husband to hold me and no baby to take care of? Is it Satan being himself or is God punishing me for some sin? Is it my fault for dreaming so much...for planning out Nicoda's life until he was 60 before I even heard him cry. I wonder everyday if I hadn't dreamed so much, if it would hurt less.

Tomorrow I leave to go be with my husband for a few weeks and I am sad for my him because not even that excites me right now. I know it will be SO comforting, but there is no joy. Yet talking to Khalid is almost the only time each day I smile, so maybe it will be more than just comforting. I feel so torn leaving Kansas City too -- I feel like I am leaving Nicoda. I visit his grave everyday and now I won't be able to there for 6 weeks. And at the same time it makes me so mad because it is only 6 weeks....6 weeks to spend with my husband then I am back to being alone again.

My life and brain has turned into a great contradiction as well...
I would never chose anyone I love to go through this pain, yet I long for someone to understand. I need God so much, yet my trust in Him is shattered. I cry everyday, yet never seem to run out of tears. I love that my precious baby, Nicoda is in heaven, but my arms ache that he is not with me. I am so grateful for how people have prayed for me and so angry the need to pray is even there.

So to continue the contradictions please pray that I can go at least one day without breaking down and pray that this is all a dream and that I will wake up on January 5to a different life.

How Long, Lord, how long? Show Me Light...

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:2).

Please pray this prayer with me...it is hard to even write my prayer which is why I know I need help praying it. Praise the Lord that the Spirit can speak what our hearts groan, so that at this time when my heart aches to much to even speak, my prayers can be taken into the throne room.

Dear Lord,
Today I lift myself up to You. I am hurting so much and need the comfort only You can provide. I don't understand why so many crappy things happen in my life -- especially losing Nicoda. But help me to trust that you are working all things into good -- whether I see it here or in heaven. I ask that you continue to work in me as you heal my broken heart. Please give me people to support and help me along. Help them to know what to say and do and when not to say anything. You are a God who desires wholeness -- and I have seen you give this in others and in the Scriptures. So I beg you to please make me whole again -- mind, body, and spirit. Please also fill my cup up enough so I can support Khalid when he needs it. In your Son's name. Amen

Thank you for helping me pray and thank you for caring. I don't know how I go through most days and I don't want to imagine how hard it would be without so many others lifting me up in prayer. Thank you so much!

no luck... :-(

I declared today a pamper Stacia day and went and did lots of little things I like. I got a new haircut, my eyebrows done, ate Chick-fil-A, had ice cream, got a pedicure (thanks Jack), and played games with my nephew. I was still really sad inside and battled with myself all day trying NOT to be angry. But it was all in vain because...
I got home and took out Nicoda's clay hand and foot impressions and they were all molded over. I think I scared my housemates because I screamed -- I just couldn't believe that the one thing I have of my son got ruined. :-( i'm over the limit that anyone should have to handle...

too many emotions to count

as i sat down to try and write on this, i kept thinking what am i feeling? what am I thinking? and I'm not thinking or feeling any one thing. Mostly though I am angry and bitter. It rotates between being angry at work, myself, America, God, whoever happens to be there, pregnant women...the list can go on and on. At a support meeting the other day, my friend said something that has stuck with me. That our security has been violated, so nothing will ever be the same again. And I think that is how I feel the most. So anger because the way I used to picture God and life is now gone and is replaced with an even bleaker picture of the world. And without my firm trust in God for purpose, my whole world is rocked. No child is supposed be to taken away -- yet it happens to millions of people. I go and visit Nicoda everyday and you would not believe how many little friends he is there with. Babies buried from the 1940's til now -- and all of them with flowers on them still. Because they were a part of someone's life and dreams. It is so unfair. I cry and scream everyday because it is so unfair. I am breaking under this weight and I don't feel God at all. I have never in all my life felt so alone, never felt so unloved. I understand Moses when he said 'if this is the way you are going to treat me, put me to death at once'. In Hebrews it says "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he punishes every son he accepts." I just wish I knew what it was I was being punished for...so I could protect my next children. Everyone keeps saying God doesn't work like that, but He does. How quickly we forget that the Old Testament is evidence of God's anger and punishment over and over again for people's stupidity and unbelief. Well he has my attention -- and I believe that He is there and sovereign and loving -- but to those He choses and in the way He choses.

Today at work I found out that one of my parents is pregnant and it spiraled my whole day. This woman who has an adorable baby already in foster care because she can't drop her crack addiction and she gets to have another baby. A baby that needs to be protected; a baby that would be blessed to NOT be born to her and she gets him. But my so wanted and loved son is taken away. Where is the reasoning, the logic?

"My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say "Gone is my glory, an all that I had hoped for from the Lord" -- Lamentations (now I understand why this book is in the Bible)

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken? Why are you so far from helping me from the words of my groaning? Oh my God, I cry by day but you do not answer, and by night, but find no rest."

I need peace and I need a new joy. My cup is empty and my heart is broken... I need the God that I used to trust and find comfort in. :-(