God's Reaffirming

I had such a good God moment today that I wanted to share. I woke up later than expected today and missed my Bible and devotional reading which I have been getting pretty consistent on, so I was kicking myself. I have been really struggling with several things lately, so I have been reading and praying ALL the time. Well today something I have been praying for got shot down or I guess the answer just hasn't come yet, but I just felt this peace that God still wanted me to pray, that His will was still going to happen. Then when I came home tonight I read my devotional and it was COMPLETELY about praying until something happens. It even gave the example of striking the match over and over, until the fire blazes. I thought "YES GOD! I am getting the message!" If I had read that this morning, then it wouldn't have been as powerful. Yea God! So pray, pray, pray thats what I'll do! (But I will still try to do my readings in the morning...) :-)

Phillipsburgh Lovin

This past week I got to go with Jacqueline and Chloe to visit Jac's family. It was SO nice...we ate alot, visited alot, attended Sharlene's Shutterfly party, and most important for me felt loved. I got so many hugs and smiled so much while I was there. It was so sweet to see Chloe interact with her extended family as well -- they all love her so much! It did my heart good to go there and I told my friend Heidi that driving back, I actually felt happy. I am happy other times, but I was just running over with happiness and it has been a long time since I felt that. So YEA! for God's people spilling their love and joy to others! And Yea! for Jacqueline having such a great family -- grandparents, aunts, cousins! And Yea! for Shutterfly giving out free photobooks....

Pictures from our trip :-)

Keesee's and Sikes'

Lovin on Chloe

Bob making us a wonderful breakfast!

Chloe getting some Grams time

Jazzy doing so good on our roadtrip

Chloe enjoying NOT being in the carseat. :-)

Our welcome sign! :-) Sharlene and Bob are both so welcoming!

When One Door Shuts, Another Opens

YAY!!! Khalid and I are FINALLY going to be together -- I'm finally going to be a wife and enjoy fighting over dishes and trash! :-) We are both so excited. It does my heart good to hear his smile over the phone. And I wish I could have recorded his voice when he called to tell how the hearing he went -- he was shouting! PRAISE GOD! We were both honestly not very hopeful because every other door we had prayed for had been shut, so for it to be flown open was like water to our dry hearts! so again i say PRAISE GOD! We prayed and prayed and prayed for so long and with so many tears for his American papers and the door was not just shut, it was slammed. Then a month later (and still more prayers) the door for us to be together was opened. God said, "Finally you asked for what my plan was!" Well thanks God -- we got the message after the fact. Sorry we are such dense humans. So who knows -- America may still be in our future, but God has plans for us yet still in Europe. All in His timing and according to His will....PRAISE GOD! I am so excited to be with Khalid and my anxiety to go down. Ever since I came back to America in September I have been having anxiety attacks almost daily -- almost like my body rebelling being away from Khalid. So it will do my body and heart good to be there. My planned move date is Dec. 3rd, but that is all contigent on dollars lining up like we need. But if God wants me there, no money will hold me back. That is a lesson I learned being a missionary -- the money is the easy part. :-) So can I say PRAISE GOD again?

I also wanted to post a HUGE THANK YOU for all the people who have been praying....we truly appreciate it. And we ask you not to stop....we still need a few more details to iron out and for my mental status about leaving my fam and friends here. And I logically know that Nicoda is in heaven, but I feel such a pull to his grave, it is always hard to think of being so far from "him". But Khalid's hugs and our memories of Nicoda are defintely a better memorial than a headstone.

More details and moving plans to come!

Kansas City, Here We Come

Jac, Chloe, and I took a road trip to the close and nearby city of home. I wanted to get some good shots of Kansas City before I move, so I can have a little book of home with me. So here are some of pictures of how I see Kansas City. :-)

Still need to get some shots of Worlds of Fun and my favorite gas station, Quiktrip. Anybody think of any shots that I am missing?

Then there are some pictures of us -- because who can resist taking pictures with Chloe! :-)

"Lights of Love"

Today is October 15th and at 7 pm (my time zone) I will be lighting a candle for Nicoda and all the babies I know that have passed away through miscarriage and stillbirth. It is called Lights of Love and is a nationally recognized day for Infant Loss. I am asking that you join me in remembering Nicoda by also lighting a candle for one hour on Thursday at 7. If you do, I am also asking that you take a picture as I would like to document some of them in his scrapbook. So many people have experienced this loss either personally, as a family member, or close friend -- so light the candle for all the babies you know who have passed. I will be remembering Thomas, Opal, Levi, and Gracie and many other babies whom I know are with my son in heaven.

Here is a link with a video and more information. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSYvT-Qv_5w

I love you Nicoda and can't wait to hold you in heaven again.

Sept Fotos

Chloe so excited Mommy is home!
Fall Pies -- Me and Heidi

Kaylin - so happy to play with "Mommy's friend"
(Leah Roushar's daughter)

Piper - starting to walk and learning to terrorize the cat like her sister

(Leah Roushar's daughter)

Trying to get Chloe to smile

My nephew turned 6!

Jacqueline's Birthday

Chloe in her "power outfit"

Time is Inching Along

I am always amazed how time technically never goes at different speeds -- yet we feel that it does. When the calender hit October and the leaves started to turn here in Kansas City, I was very confused. How could it possibly be October? I feel like it should be March, almost like I become stuck there and yet the world hasn't been. The weeks and months right after Nicoda died felt like years. I could not get through a week without wondering WHY it felt like a month had passed. Now it has been 9 months and time is moving along again...it is just another way for me to see how my grief is becoming a part of me vs. being all of me. When time starts to move again.... Sorry if none of that made any sense. HA!

Basically right now I am just trying to spend time with people I love. I use my umemployed hours helping around the house where I live, running errands, and visiting friends and family. It has been such a joy to have Jacqueline and Jordan in Kansas City -- Jac and Chloe are home during the day, so I go and hang out there. It is so great to go from visits once, maybe twice a year to once or twice a week. And it gives me plenty of time to start teaching Chloe my name before I move.

I have also gotten almost completely ready to move to Austria....I went through ALL my things and packed them for Austria, storage, or Goodwill. Even though it is looking like I won't be able to afford to leave until early December - I love that ready to go feeling. It is so exciting to me to think about moving there, about being with Khalid, setting up our first home, getting off the airplane and not having to count the days til I have to fly back. I was telling my friend Amanda that I truly feel like a newlywed -- finally combining our homes and lives together! Soon and very soon we are hoping! Please pray that everything works out and that Khalid and I have the patience to handle just a couple more months!

I'll try to post some pictures soon -- I would do it now, but it keeps freezing when I try, so my computer must be tired. :-)

Back to States...and Wishing I Wasn't

Date Night! :-)


I made my Atlantic Ocean trip again. Every time I leave Khalid I start my countdown of when I get to go back and this trip was probably the most special to me because it was long enough for us to feel married. No vacation feeling or deep grieving.... Ahh! Who would have thought that having domestic arguments about doing the dishes is something that would make me happy. I got to spend almost 6 weeks with Khalid. We watched movies, walked by the river (he was only a few blocks away) and toured a castle nearby. And we naturally had a lot of my favorite....ICE CREAM. And by we, I mean only me. He did sacrifice and get some just once. One afternoon Khalid suggested we go to a nearby church and light a candle for our Nicoda -- it was so touching for me to know that he thinks about Nicoda so much. He does not talk about his pain so much, but the little things he does and says sometimes clue me in.
Our visa that we had been hoping for Khalid and that many people wrote support letters for was denied. That was a dark day for me because I had put so much hope into us starting our married life in America. But God has different plans for our family, so it is our hope and prayer that I am able to move to Austria before the holidays. It all depends on government process though -- which has not proved to be our friend, so we are nervous. But it is that little bit of hope that keeps pushing us through....

Castle we visited

Khalid loved the seeing all the rooms and weapons....

Flowers we picked from the road

Lighting a candle for Nicoda

Cheese! :-)

Time Away, Time Alone

Right now I am on a mini-vacation. I say mini not because it is short in time, but because I have responsibilities while I am on it. To start with I drove to my mom's for a couple of days in Kentucky. We had a good time. I shared with her my book I made for Nicoda, we went thrift store and book shopping, and I got to meet all of her farm animals. We also got to tour one of the oldest houses in Lexington built in 1810. I didn't ride a horse though....just took a picture by one for Khalid.
Then I came to Cabot, Arkansas....to house/child/ sit for an friend from Abilene. Her husband is stationed in Little Rock and they were headed for vacation, so I came to watch the animals. Two things about AR: first there are more flies here in Cabot then all of the rest of America; second it so humid here the steam rises off the ground and my glasses fog whenever I walk outside the house...i wouldn't have believed it to be so only one state south of my own.

The vacation part comes mentally. I am taking purposefully time to regroup my emotions and my thoughts. I am making Nicoda's scrapbook while I am here and have already had some very hard nights just reliving everything. Yet I feel in the end it is really going to help. The first night I started to sort through my pictures I broke down. I wanted so badly to hold Nicoda -- to just have one more minute to hold him, to feel his baby soft skin, to run away from the hospital with him and take him to Khalid....but that won't come til heaven. :-( I cried for most of the night and the next, despite my sleeping pills til exhaustion took over. When I woke up two days ago (in the afternoon - HA!) I was reading my devotional and it was on the verse in Proverbs "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" and I was struck by how I am trying so hard to be strong with only my own strength and using only what I know of this world. As I keep thinking about it all day, I tearfully came to the realization that God knows exactly how I feel -- He lost His Son too. Not that I did not cognitive know that already -- but mind and heart knowledge don't always meet up. When God's Son died, the biggest blessing in world occurred...a chance to have a relationship with God on a slate washed clean by His blood. So I am going to miss Nicoda for the rest of my life and I am still going to cry a lot -- but I am going to pray and pray everyday that Nicoda's death will bring blessings in some form as well.

"Dear God, I am so sorry for forgetting how much you love my little boy and you hurt when I hurt. Please allow me to let you hold me and heal me. Continue to open my eyes as Your plan unfolds...help my unbelief. And as always please open a door to allow Khalid and me to be together. Amen."

Prayers for my Hubby

I know I write a lot on this blog about how hard my life is and I do still need prayers....so many still. The pain of losing Nicoda is still so fresh and I feel daily reminded of how old he should be (almost 4 mo)...or remembering how different it was one year ago when I was still pregnant and hopeful.

But the biggest strain right now is being separated from Khalid. It is a huge strain on him as well and he needs a lot of prayers right now. For months he has been my rock and kept me going -- and now he is hurting so much and I can't help him. Talking on the phone isn't what he needs right now and that is all I have. He aches for all the things that are missing in his life and wants closure of this visa process. Please pray for his faith to grow, for peace and strength, and for our marriage come through this storm stronger. Thank you!