Back to States...and Wishing I Wasn't

Date Night! :-)


I made my Atlantic Ocean trip again. Every time I leave Khalid I start my countdown of when I get to go back and this trip was probably the most special to me because it was long enough for us to feel married. No vacation feeling or deep grieving.... Ahh! Who would have thought that having domestic arguments about doing the dishes is something that would make me happy. I got to spend almost 6 weeks with Khalid. We watched movies, walked by the river (he was only a few blocks away) and toured a castle nearby. And we naturally had a lot of my favorite....ICE CREAM. And by we, I mean only me. He did sacrifice and get some just once. One afternoon Khalid suggested we go to a nearby church and light a candle for our Nicoda -- it was so touching for me to know that he thinks about Nicoda so much. He does not talk about his pain so much, but the little things he does and says sometimes clue me in.
Our visa that we had been hoping for Khalid and that many people wrote support letters for was denied. That was a dark day for me because I had put so much hope into us starting our married life in America. But God has different plans for our family, so it is our hope and prayer that I am able to move to Austria before the holidays. It all depends on government process though -- which has not proved to be our friend, so we are nervous. But it is that little bit of hope that keeps pushing us through....

Castle we visited

Khalid loved the seeing all the rooms and weapons....

Flowers we picked from the road

Lighting a candle for Nicoda

Cheese! :-)

Time Away, Time Alone

Right now I am on a mini-vacation. I say mini not because it is short in time, but because I have responsibilities while I am on it. To start with I drove to my mom's for a couple of days in Kentucky. We had a good time. I shared with her my book I made for Nicoda, we went thrift store and book shopping, and I got to meet all of her farm animals. We also got to tour one of the oldest houses in Lexington built in 1810. I didn't ride a horse though....just took a picture by one for Khalid.
Then I came to Cabot, Arkansas....to house/child/ sit for an friend from Abilene. Her husband is stationed in Little Rock and they were headed for vacation, so I came to watch the animals. Two things about AR: first there are more flies here in Cabot then all of the rest of America; second it so humid here the steam rises off the ground and my glasses fog whenever I walk outside the house...i wouldn't have believed it to be so only one state south of my own.

The vacation part comes mentally. I am taking purposefully time to regroup my emotions and my thoughts. I am making Nicoda's scrapbook while I am here and have already had some very hard nights just reliving everything. Yet I feel in the end it is really going to help. The first night I started to sort through my pictures I broke down. I wanted so badly to hold Nicoda -- to just have one more minute to hold him, to feel his baby soft skin, to run away from the hospital with him and take him to Khalid....but that won't come til heaven. :-( I cried for most of the night and the next, despite my sleeping pills til exhaustion took over. When I woke up two days ago (in the afternoon - HA!) I was reading my devotional and it was on the verse in Proverbs "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" and I was struck by how I am trying so hard to be strong with only my own strength and using only what I know of this world. As I keep thinking about it all day, I tearfully came to the realization that God knows exactly how I feel -- He lost His Son too. Not that I did not cognitive know that already -- but mind and heart knowledge don't always meet up. When God's Son died, the biggest blessing in world occurred...a chance to have a relationship with God on a slate washed clean by His blood. So I am going to miss Nicoda for the rest of my life and I am still going to cry a lot -- but I am going to pray and pray everyday that Nicoda's death will bring blessings in some form as well.

"Dear God, I am so sorry for forgetting how much you love my little boy and you hurt when I hurt. Please allow me to let you hold me and heal me. Continue to open my eyes as Your plan unfolds...help my unbelief. And as always please open a door to allow Khalid and me to be together. Amen."

Prayers for my Hubby

I know I write a lot on this blog about how hard my life is and I do still need prayers....so many still. The pain of losing Nicoda is still so fresh and I feel daily reminded of how old he should be (almost 4 mo)...or remembering how different it was one year ago when I was still pregnant and hopeful.

But the biggest strain right now is being separated from Khalid. It is a huge strain on him as well and he needs a lot of prayers right now. For months he has been my rock and kept me going -- and now he is hurting so much and I can't help him. Talking on the phone isn't what he needs right now and that is all I have. He aches for all the things that are missing in his life and wants closure of this visa process. Please pray for his faith to grow, for peace and strength, and for our marriage come through this storm stronger. Thank you!

Streams in the Desert

This is a poem that I have been reading over and over and over again. It is soothing to me and helps to remember that even when I don't feel it or want to believe it -- God's Word and promises are still true.

My words...will come true at their proper time. (Luke 1:20)

What the Lord has said...will be accomplished! (Luke 1:45)

The Lord is sure to accomplish those things
A loving heart has waited to see;
Those words will be fulfilled to which she clings,
because her God has promised faithfully;
And, knowing Him, she never can doubt His Word;
He speaks and it is done. The Mighty Lord!

The Lord is sure to accomplish those things,
O burdened heart, rest in His care;
In quients beneath His shadowing wings
Await the anser to your longings and prayer.
When you have "cast your cares" the heart sings,
The Lord is sure to accomplish those things.

The Lord is sure to accomplish those things,
O tired heart, believe, wait, pray.
Though cloud and rain and storm have filled the day.
Faith pierces through the mist of doubt that bars
the coming night and finds the stars.

The Lords is sure to accomplish those things,
O trusting heart, the Lord to you has told;
Let faith and hope arise and lift their wings;
to soar toward that sunrise clouds of gold;
the doorways of the rosy dawn swing wide,
Revealing joys the darkness of night did hide.

-Bessie Porter

Just Be There

You don't know how I feel; please don't tell me that you do. There's just one way to know--have you lost a child too?" You'll have another child"--must I hear this every day? Can I get another mother, too, if mine should pass away?

Don't say it was "God's will"--that's not the God I know. Would God, on purpose, break my heart, then watch as my tears flow?" You have an angel in heaven--a precious child above. "But tell me, to whom here on earth shall I give all this love?

"Aren't you better yet?" Is that what I heard you say? No! A part of my heart aches and I'll always feel some pain. You think that silence is kind, but it hurts me even more. I want to talk about my child who has gone through death's door.

Don't say these things to me, although you do mean well. They do not take my pain away; I must go through this hell. I will get better, slow but sure--and it helps to have you near. And a simple "I'm sorry you lost your child" is all I need to hear.

~ Gail Fasolo ~

Nicoda Shaw Hamidi

Discouraged

I can't think of a better word to describe myself right now...discouraged. Well maybe depressed would work as well. :-( People try to make me feel better or give me advice, but it's like trying to water a dead plant. It has been 13 months with no hubby and 6 months with no Nicoda -- and it doesn't seem to be getting better. No amount of crying, no amount of praying, no amount of dreaming is changing that everything sucks right now. I try to read my Bible, but -what is it that people say - that at different points in your life you see different things in Scripture. Well when I read the OT, I see over and over how God punishes the Israelites....and that is how I feel, punished. Whether for some unknown horrible sin or maybe because I was going to be a bad mother -- who knows. And the NT...all about how much God loves us -- and I get that He loves Nicoda, He let him be born into heaven -- but where is the love for me and Khalid. When does this earthly hell end? When does the God of peace hold me and the God of justice bring my husband and I together? Where is God when I cry for days all alone and the phone never even rings? Where is God when I need my husband so bad and Homeland Security doesn't even believe we are in love? I feel like Humpty Dumpty (besides my baby fat), I just don't know know if it'll get put back together again.....

Help Bring Khalid to America

I know most people have already heard this and/or read about this -- but I wanted to cover all my bases. I am recieved a letter from Homeland Security attacking Khalid's Christianity and the validity of our marriage (if we married for love or a visa). Thus I am asking anyone who knows me and of Khalid through me to write a letter stating this. I want Homeland Security to realize that I am love my husband more than anything, that I am capable of making good choices, and that it is offense to question his faith, anyone's faith for that matter. It is hurtful and shocking that Nicoda is not a good enough example of our love for each other....I mean he is the cutest baby EVER and looks so much like his daddy! (and I am not biased at all.)



Anyways if you want to help, can help please e-mail a letter to me at stacia_hamidi@yahoo.com. It can short and sweet or as lengthy as you want. I just need to mail them by Monday or Tuesday, so make sure I have enough to print yours off.



Thank you so much!!!

Memorial Day

Memorial Day -- a day to honor those who have fallen for our country. I went to Celebration at the Station (a big concert and fireworks show) last night for Memorial Day and it was so touching. They had all the service men stand and then showed a slide show to honor those who are no longer here. It was in front of the WWI memorial or Liberty Memorial. It was very hard -- all thoughts of death for me right now are. It has also been hard to see so many people when I visit Nicoda. I usually see one or two cars and this weekend total I saw probably 500 hundred....eye opening how death touches everyone. :-( The one thing that none of us can escape.

One Year Anniversary and PRAYER!

One year married, but one year apart. Khalid and I spent hours and hours talking yesterday on the phone to celebrate our anniversary. We talked about our wedding day and tried to remember every detail -- I was surprised at the little things he still recalled that I hadn't. We talked about our dreams and how much we hope to be together soon. It was nice...very nice. Sometimes in our daily talkings of how are you, what are you doing, etc, we forget how it is to talk about life and issues. I loved my hours talking to Khalid.

We got some good news on our process which was wonderful for a few days before we got some really bad news. The good news is that we might be closer to him getting Austrian papers....and EU citizens can travel to the United States without needing a visa.

The bad news that the immigration people that we have been dealing with and having troubles with spoke with Homeland Security whom Khalid and I had a joint interview with and passed. Homeland Security is now pulling their approval based on stupid facts and false information -- they are stating that I married Khalid just to get him to the United States and that he became a Christian also for this same purpose. It is awful and it was a slap in the face to even read it. After everything we have been through and trying so hard -- they resort to saying that we don't really love each other and degrade Khalid's faith. It is an all-time low....even for the United States Government. I am not sure what I need to do next except write a rebuttal letter, but what we need the most is PRAYER!

PLEASE PRAY FOR A MIRACLE!

PRAY FOR SOMEONE COMPASSIONATE TO RECEIVE MY LETTER!

PRAY THAT GOD SHOWS HIMSELF IN THIS PROCESS BY ALLOWING KHALID AND I TO BE TOGETHER FINALLY!

Thank you!