Nicoda Shaw Hamidi

Discouraged

I can't think of a better word to describe myself right now...discouraged. Well maybe depressed would work as well. :-( People try to make me feel better or give me advice, but it's like trying to water a dead plant. It has been 13 months with no hubby and 6 months with no Nicoda -- and it doesn't seem to be getting better. No amount of crying, no amount of praying, no amount of dreaming is changing that everything sucks right now. I try to read my Bible, but -what is it that people say - that at different points in your life you see different things in Scripture. Well when I read the OT, I see over and over how God punishes the Israelites....and that is how I feel, punished. Whether for some unknown horrible sin or maybe because I was going to be a bad mother -- who knows. And the NT...all about how much God loves us -- and I get that He loves Nicoda, He let him be born into heaven -- but where is the love for me and Khalid. When does this earthly hell end? When does the God of peace hold me and the God of justice bring my husband and I together? Where is God when I cry for days all alone and the phone never even rings? Where is God when I need my husband so bad and Homeland Security doesn't even believe we are in love? I feel like Humpty Dumpty (besides my baby fat), I just don't know know if it'll get put back together again.....

Help Bring Khalid to America

I know most people have already heard this and/or read about this -- but I wanted to cover all my bases. I am recieved a letter from Homeland Security attacking Khalid's Christianity and the validity of our marriage (if we married for love or a visa). Thus I am asking anyone who knows me and of Khalid through me to write a letter stating this. I want Homeland Security to realize that I am love my husband more than anything, that I am capable of making good choices, and that it is offense to question his faith, anyone's faith for that matter. It is hurtful and shocking that Nicoda is not a good enough example of our love for each other....I mean he is the cutest baby EVER and looks so much like his daddy! (and I am not biased at all.)



Anyways if you want to help, can help please e-mail a letter to me at stacia_hamidi@yahoo.com. It can short and sweet or as lengthy as you want. I just need to mail them by Monday or Tuesday, so make sure I have enough to print yours off.



Thank you so much!!!

Memorial Day

Memorial Day -- a day to honor those who have fallen for our country. I went to Celebration at the Station (a big concert and fireworks show) last night for Memorial Day and it was so touching. They had all the service men stand and then showed a slide show to honor those who are no longer here. It was in front of the WWI memorial or Liberty Memorial. It was very hard -- all thoughts of death for me right now are. It has also been hard to see so many people when I visit Nicoda. I usually see one or two cars and this weekend total I saw probably 500 hundred....eye opening how death touches everyone. :-( The one thing that none of us can escape.

One Year Anniversary and PRAYER!

One year married, but one year apart. Khalid and I spent hours and hours talking yesterday on the phone to celebrate our anniversary. We talked about our wedding day and tried to remember every detail -- I was surprised at the little things he still recalled that I hadn't. We talked about our dreams and how much we hope to be together soon. It was nice...very nice. Sometimes in our daily talkings of how are you, what are you doing, etc, we forget how it is to talk about life and issues. I loved my hours talking to Khalid.

We got some good news on our process which was wonderful for a few days before we got some really bad news. The good news is that we might be closer to him getting Austrian papers....and EU citizens can travel to the United States without needing a visa.

The bad news that the immigration people that we have been dealing with and having troubles with spoke with Homeland Security whom Khalid and I had a joint interview with and passed. Homeland Security is now pulling their approval based on stupid facts and false information -- they are stating that I married Khalid just to get him to the United States and that he became a Christian also for this same purpose. It is awful and it was a slap in the face to even read it. After everything we have been through and trying so hard -- they resort to saying that we don't really love each other and degrade Khalid's faith. It is an all-time low....even for the United States Government. I am not sure what I need to do next except write a rebuttal letter, but what we need the most is PRAYER!

PLEASE PRAY FOR A MIRACLE!

PRAY FOR SOMEONE COMPASSIONATE TO RECEIVE MY LETTER!

PRAY THAT GOD SHOWS HIMSELF IN THIS PROCESS BY ALLOWING KHALID AND I TO BE TOGETHER FINALLY!

Thank you!

Chloe "MJ" Sikes

I finally got to meet her. Ms. Chloe Mae!

It was so wonderful to meet her and catch up with Jacqueline. I got to do the whole sha-bang with her -- diaper, change clothes, hold her, feed her, get puked on. Chloe even got to meet Leah's daughter Piper. :-) I still can't believe that they are actually going to be moving to Kansas City either. YEA! Jordan and Jacqueline are both so great parents....you are one lucky girl MJ! I can't wait to keep spoiling you. :-)

Dream of Heaven

Last week I had a dream about Nicoda that I wish I could dream each night. I dream of Nicoda a lot -- but it is usually reliving his death. :-( So when I woke up last week with such a feeling of peace, I almost wept.

I dreamt I was in heaven holding Nicoda. It was just me holding him and we were looking at each other. We were both completely focused on each other and yet I was also completely aware of everything around me -- Jesus, others who have died, clouds. And I felt what I can imagine is true peace. I can barely even describe it though.... It was feeling alive and so calm. Every sense, every cell was in tune. The dream was as every heaven dream should be....heavenly. Peace, Nicoda, and Jesus :-)

I told Khalid about it and he was so jealous....not of me being in heaven, but that I got to be with Nicoda. So now I am praying for him to have a good Nicoda dream as well....

Shout Outs

As I mentioned in my previous post these past weeks have been awful. I am not even sure why I have been hopping back and forth between living and despair.....but it is miserable. In 4 days I am sure I clocked at least 10 solid hours of crying and sobbing. Talk about a headache.... :-( When I have those days (today is a been a breather) it is a feeling of complete hopelessness. I feel as I have no reason to go on and I spend hours begging God to take me to heaven. But God sent His people love me through the dark days and nights....

Thank you Leah and Carol for being Jesus' arms when I felt I couldn't get more alone.
Thank you Heidi for constantly lifting me up in prayer and praying over me.
Thank you Rachael for a blessed massage that helped me sleep.

And thank you God that when I am so bitter at the unjustness and unfairness of this world -- you just take my anger and keep on loving me.

Father, my earthly eyes are getting in the way of Your truth. Even when I don't feel it or especially when I don't feel it, help me to know without a doubt Your goodness and faithfulness are in my life. Mold the desires of my heart to be Yours. Amen.

Seasons Change

This past week was very traumatic for me. I have been spiraling since Easter and this week was not any better. The best way to explain how I feel is a roller coaster of emotions. I am out of the stage of grief where it I’m depressed 24/7 – but I feel as if that not being depressed all the time is harder. I will have a couple of days where I can see the sunshine and I can hope for tomorrows….then it is whamo! and the truck hits me again. It is so hard to get a glimpse of where I want to be and then to be taken back to the down in the gut wrenching pain. Sometimes it rotates day by day, sometime hour by hour.

This week I spiraled because they seeded Nicoda’s grave.

In my head that line deserves its own paragraph because of how hard it has been this week because of it. I broke down at the cemetery when I saw because it just is one more way to cement in my mind that Nicoda is gone….gone as in forever. That was Monday – so Tuesday I didn’t even leave my bed and Wednesday I spent the day again at the cemetery. Thursday I had to work and I went to Bible study which also makes me feel better. Friday started out great – I was teaching 4th grade and excited to go to the Royals game that night. Then we got to the SOLD OUT Royals game and I realized our section was the pregnant women and babies section (not really but it seemed that way). All happiness gone, all desire to be there, and a huge anxiety attack. All those women have what I cannot have…..and it isn’t fair.

For awhile I was at a point where the why didn’t matter anymore; I’m back to it mattering. I want to know WHY!?! Why my baby? If I ever saw a friend or family member hurting like me – I couldn’t take it. I would need to do something to take it away….so if God really loves me why doesn’t He help me? Why didn’t He stop Nicoda from dying? Why doesn’t He let me be with Khalid? Why did he let me go to a game that would devastate me? Why is He so far away? I can’t wrap my mind around it…I can’t see through the pain enough. I know all of the “Bible” answers to those questions, but they don’t soothe my raw, bleeding emotions. I know God is there because He promised to be – but I don’t feel Him or see Him. I feel alone – I am alone.

I want to be held….I want to sleep again….I want to hold my son….I want my husband!

Kids Say the Darn'dst Things

I have to pay the bills somehow and since I can't emotionally handle foster care anymore, I am subbing. I enjoy it though -- it keeps my mind busy and I love children. And the things they say.... :-)

"I know why girls have babies in their tummies and boys don't," said one little 1st grader.
"Why is that?"
He replied, "Because girls are gross AND babies are gross."

"Mrs. H (they can't say Hamidi), do you have any kids?" (3rd grade boy)
"Yes, I have a one son, but he is in heaven now."
"Ohhhh....he was in the Army." (said so matter factly like all Army guys die. HA)

But the things they say are not always so funny. One little girl when I was teaching Art (of all things) came up to me crying because the girl next to her had drawn a picture for her brother. The little girl was upset because she said her mom went to the hospital to have her brother, but her brother didn't get to come home. He had to go to heaven. To say the least, it was a punch in the gut. I gave her hug and tried so hard not to sob....(I also let her go to the nurses office for the rest of class). One little girl just yesterday told me that she couldn't write about Easter in her journal because she hadn't celebrated it yet. She explained that her Mom talked to God who talked to the Easter Bunny and it was decided that Easter would held off until her brother came home from chemo treatment. She is hoping it is this week.... :-( I am not sure why God has me hear their sad stories -- sometimes they send me spiraling down for the day -- but they touched me and maybe that is why. So somebody would remember to pray.

My favorite sub story deals with Nicoda directly -- which is why it is my favorite. I was teaching a 3rd grade class (4 days) and met a cute girl from another class during the freezing recess. She offered to walk with me to help me stay warm. While walking and talking, she asked me if I believe in God. I told her yes. She explained that she is Muslim and prays to Allah who is like God. I told her that I knew about Muslims because my husband used to be Muslim. She was shocked at this, but asked if we had any kids. I told her what I always tell the kids -- "Yes, one son who is in heaven." She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and told me how sorry she was. She told me that Allah would take care of my baby and she would pray for my husband and I. She's 9. A few days later I was in her classroom to help with a test, and I saw her name printed on her desk. Nargiz....the name of my mother-in-law who is also in heaven. I was excited to meet someone with that name, and only later realized what a blessing I had encountered. Never since Nicoda died did I even consider that he might be with his grandmother. I cried and truly feel that Khalid's mom wanted me to know that she is taking care of Nicoda. I tear up just writing this story because it gives me goosebumps and makes me even more excited to be in heaven -- to see my baby and meet Khalid's parents.

God is all around us. Even in our darkest times, He sends what you need.... Maybe for that day it is tears to release emotions, a friend to hug you, anger to get you out of bed, or a precious 9 year old to remind that God is bigger than all things. I still don't believe that God chose me to lose a child -- something so awful could only come from Satan -- but I do believe that God will work through this pain. To Him be the glory forever.