I Wanted So Much For You

I wanted so much more for you, my sweet little baby.
I wanted to change your diapers, not my life.
I wanted to nurse you, not my grief.
I wanted to dress you up, not bury you.
I wanted to hear the sounds of you crying for me at night,
not my sounds of crying for you, my precious baby.
I wanted to see you grow, not the grass upon your grave.
I wanted to see you asleep in your crib, not in your funeral bassinet.
I wanted to give you life, not death.
I wanted to show you off to the world, not continue without you.
I wanted to design your nursery, not your headstone.
I wanted to pick up after you, not put down my dreams for you.
I wanted to hold you in my arms, not your pictures.
I wanted to show you to your daddy, not make him wait for heaven.
I wanted to tell you about Jesus, not you meet him before I.
I wanted to watch you become something on Earth, not an angel.
I wanted to wake up to you late at night, not to my sorrow.
I wanted so much for you, my newly born and gone child.
I wanted so much more
I wanted so much
I wanted
I wanted YOU.


Lord Jesus, grieving is as natural and as common as loving. I want to help make it as acceptable, too. May my healing journey spark healing in those around me. Amen.

Time In Austria

My time in Austria is about to finish and I have been so blessed. Being with my husband has been a balm to my heart that I could have never imagined. The first month without Nicoda (it has been two months since last Friday) was so hard I thought I would die with the pain. And although it is still so hard and painful and I miss him so much everyday,I have a peace in my heart. MercyMe has a song titled Homesick and it speaks to me so much. I'll put the lyrics at the bottom, but it talks about how hard life is on Earth when your heart is truly in heaven with the ones you love. My best friend Jacqueline also blessed me by telling me of her friend who had a dream of Nicoda being in heaven. It comforted me to know that Nicoda was in heaven and being held.

My due date is next week as well and it makes this week very hard. I just keep imagining what my life was supposed to be like this week. I also keep struggling in my sleep -- I dream so much about the days before Nicoda died almost as if my brain is looking for a reason or something I did or didn't do. It is heartbreaking to wake up and relive his loss every morning.

In addition although Khalid and I have LOVED almost every minute together -- we are still frustrated by his visa process. We are not one bit closer to being together forever and is hard preparing to be alone again -- for both of us. The consulate here has given us NO hope and they are offensive to even talk to because they refuse to answer questions and only question the validly of our marriage. Ahh!

Please continue to pray healing for Khalid and I for Nicoda, pray for his visa process -- even if it just that someone accidentally stamps his file, and pray as I travel back to America and the pain that comes from being apart.

Homesick Lyrics
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Bitter :-(

Last Friday would have been Nicoda's first birthday..had God seen fit for him to live. It was a VERY hard day for me. I can't even describe the emptiness that fills my heart when I think of Nicoda -- it is like I lost something and am constantly in a state of panic searching for him. I don't understand!!! How did I get 'chosen' to have all my dreams pulled away -- no husband to hold me and no baby to take care of? Is it Satan being himself or is God punishing me for some sin? Is it my fault for dreaming so much...for planning out Nicoda's life until he was 60 before I even heard him cry. I wonder everyday if I hadn't dreamed so much, if it would hurt less.

Tomorrow I leave to go be with my husband for a few weeks and I am sad for my him because not even that excites me right now. I know it will be SO comforting, but there is no joy. Yet talking to Khalid is almost the only time each day I smile, so maybe it will be more than just comforting. I feel so torn leaving Kansas City too -- I feel like I am leaving Nicoda. I visit his grave everyday and now I won't be able to there for 6 weeks. And at the same time it makes me so mad because it is only 6 weeks....6 weeks to spend with my husband then I am back to being alone again.

My life and brain has turned into a great contradiction as well...
I would never chose anyone I love to go through this pain, yet I long for someone to understand. I need God so much, yet my trust in Him is shattered. I cry everyday, yet never seem to run out of tears. I love that my precious baby, Nicoda is in heaven, but my arms ache that he is not with me. I am so grateful for how people have prayed for me and so angry the need to pray is even there.

So to continue the contradictions please pray that I can go at least one day without breaking down and pray that this is all a dream and that I will wake up on January 5to a different life.

How Long, Lord, how long? Show Me Light...

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:2).

Please pray this prayer with me...it is hard to even write my prayer which is why I know I need help praying it. Praise the Lord that the Spirit can speak what our hearts groan, so that at this time when my heart aches to much to even speak, my prayers can be taken into the throne room.

Dear Lord,
Today I lift myself up to You. I am hurting so much and need the comfort only You can provide. I don't understand why so many crappy things happen in my life -- especially losing Nicoda. But help me to trust that you are working all things into good -- whether I see it here or in heaven. I ask that you continue to work in me as you heal my broken heart. Please give me people to support and help me along. Help them to know what to say and do and when not to say anything. You are a God who desires wholeness -- and I have seen you give this in others and in the Scriptures. So I beg you to please make me whole again -- mind, body, and spirit. Please also fill my cup up enough so I can support Khalid when he needs it. In your Son's name. Amen

Thank you for helping me pray and thank you for caring. I don't know how I go through most days and I don't want to imagine how hard it would be without so many others lifting me up in prayer. Thank you so much!

no luck... :-(

I declared today a pamper Stacia day and went and did lots of little things I like. I got a new haircut, my eyebrows done, ate Chick-fil-A, had ice cream, got a pedicure (thanks Jack), and played games with my nephew. I was still really sad inside and battled with myself all day trying NOT to be angry. But it was all in vain because...
I got home and took out Nicoda's clay hand and foot impressions and they were all molded over. I think I scared my housemates because I screamed -- I just couldn't believe that the one thing I have of my son got ruined. :-( i'm over the limit that anyone should have to handle...

too many emotions to count

as i sat down to try and write on this, i kept thinking what am i feeling? what am I thinking? and I'm not thinking or feeling any one thing. Mostly though I am angry and bitter. It rotates between being angry at work, myself, America, God, whoever happens to be there, pregnant women...the list can go on and on. At a support meeting the other day, my friend said something that has stuck with me. That our security has been violated, so nothing will ever be the same again. And I think that is how I feel the most. So anger because the way I used to picture God and life is now gone and is replaced with an even bleaker picture of the world. And without my firm trust in God for purpose, my whole world is rocked. No child is supposed be to taken away -- yet it happens to millions of people. I go and visit Nicoda everyday and you would not believe how many little friends he is there with. Babies buried from the 1940's til now -- and all of them with flowers on them still. Because they were a part of someone's life and dreams. It is so unfair. I cry and scream everyday because it is so unfair. I am breaking under this weight and I don't feel God at all. I have never in all my life felt so alone, never felt so unloved. I understand Moses when he said 'if this is the way you are going to treat me, put me to death at once'. In Hebrews it says "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he punishes every son he accepts." I just wish I knew what it was I was being punished for...so I could protect my next children. Everyone keeps saying God doesn't work like that, but He does. How quickly we forget that the Old Testament is evidence of God's anger and punishment over and over again for people's stupidity and unbelief. Well he has my attention -- and I believe that He is there and sovereign and loving -- but to those He choses and in the way He choses.

Today at work I found out that one of my parents is pregnant and it spiraled my whole day. This woman who has an adorable baby already in foster care because she can't drop her crack addiction and she gets to have another baby. A baby that needs to be protected; a baby that would be blessed to NOT be born to her and she gets him. But my so wanted and loved son is taken away. Where is the reasoning, the logic?

"My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say "Gone is my glory, an all that I had hoped for from the Lord" -- Lamentations (now I understand why this book is in the Bible)

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken? Why are you so far from helping me from the words of my groaning? Oh my God, I cry by day but you do not answer, and by night, but find no rest."

I need peace and I need a new joy. My cup is empty and my heart is broken... I need the God that I used to trust and find comfort in. :-(

Nicoda: Forever Remembered Me: Forever Changed

Today I was sitting and thinking about how I feel inside -- how others think I should feel -- how people treat me now -- how much my life has changed. And I realized that Nicoda dying isn't a broken arm or an injury...it can't be healed and I'll never be the same Stacia again. I won't be able to have a worry free pregnancy next time, I won't be able to let any loved ones go without a part of me worrying. My life is changed, my heart is changed. I know this numb feeling inside, this fog I walk through each day will slowly go away. I know the heart wrenching pain that is in me, the one that goes deeper than tears will lessen as time goes by. But I also know that a part of me will never be so care-free again. I lost a child -- my child, my Nicoda.

People are harder to deal with now as well. They want to make you feel better and that is why I am sure parents around the world ignore the stupid things they say. "You'll be able to help others now" is one of them. Who in the midst of grief and anger wants to hear that their babies death is because NOW they will be able to help the next mommy. "God wanted Nicoda for Himself" is another that is hurtful for me (although I know not for all) because I don't want to think that God stole Nicoda, that He is selfish. My God is just as broken-hearted as me that Nicoda had to die and that Khalid and I have to suffer. "You're young...you'll have more babies" -- but not Nicoda isn't replaceable.

But what does help is when people just let me know that they will remember my son as well...that Nicoda doesn't disappear and isn't forgotten just because he didn't cry like other babies. He was stillborn, but born still. It is also helps for me just to know that people are thinking of me...I don't expect anyone to have an answer or know what to say. "I am thinking of you" and "I love you" are enough -- that's all anyone can do from the outside. God has to take care of the inside.

I thought today how exteremly blessed I am as well. I have people in my life that have just opened their arms (or cell phones) to let me cry and vent. I am so blessed to have so many friends and family to call to check on me. I am so blessed to have the bestest best friend in the whole world -- because now only does she make sure I know that she is thinking of me, her whole family has sent so many prayers and cards to help as well. And I am blessed to have such a patient husband -- who answers his phone at all hours of the night to listen to me cry and make me smile.

God is the Good Shepherd -- He is standing by me and is grieving with me. And thank goodness, God is patient with me as well because I can become so angry at Him for not protecting Nicoda. It is interesting how my mind can find so many people (usually me or God) to blame for Nicoda dying, but my heart doesn't give up on the knowledge that God is there.

'I love you Nicoda Shaw Hamidi. There is no purer love than a mother's love for her child. I am sorry that we did not get the time together that I had dreamed. But you will always be my son, a part of me. I won't say good-bye though...not to you, not ever. Because that is too final, and my love for you is stronger than this world.'

unhappy birthday

i am in a weird, unknown place with my birthday being tomorrow...or today before I am done writing this. i have always loved my birthday beyond what is considered normal or traditional. My mom and husband were forced to celebrate my birthday month and week with me -- and my best friend Jacqueline would celebrate it with me willingly. but now I just wish it was any other day, but the day i USED to be so happy on. because I'm not happy...i feel as if I am the opposite of happy, but that is sad and I feel so much worse than sad. i know people will say 'Happy Birthday' and I will have to either force a smile or let them know that no, it isn't a happy one.

i attended a support group meeting tonight and it was again such a bittersweet thing. so many people who could understand the emptiness and anger inside of me, but i don't want to belong to that club. i want Nicoda so bad...I can still feel him kick and still remember how perfect he was when I got hold him.

i also started back to work this week which I now think was very stupid. my body aches by the end of the day and i feel borderline crazy trying to juggle all the little details that need to be done. i also put in my resignation though -- so that I when my two weeks is up, I will be free to fly and be with Khalid. I can't wait to see him but I am also nervous because I know it will be heart wrenching to share our grief together. And because it breaks Khalid's heart when I cry, so he prefers if I don't -- but since I cry on average twice a day now I am afraid it will be too much for him to handle. :-( So many things to think about -- things I shouldn't have to.

my new prayer that I need help praying is that i begin to understand that I don't have to be okay...that I can cry and scream and that is okay. I am always so worried about what others think and what is the right thing to do -- but right now there are no rights and wrongs, no rules or how to books to deal with this. i just need to do each day....

Saddest Day of My Life

I feel like writing about my little Nicoda -- although writing is so bittersweet. I want everyone to know how precious he was and how perfect, but writing about it just reminds me that it is real.

On January 5th, I went to the hospital because I was worried about Nicoda not kicking and on January 6th, Nicoda was born stillborn at 31 weeks. The doctor said it was a rare disorder that made the placenta not provide Nicoda with enough oxygen as he got bigger. They kept assuring me that this would not affect having other kids and I just wanted to scream at all of them that I was not worried about other kids...I want my baby boy. My Nicoda Shaw. I got to hold him for hours afterward and it was so easy to convince myself that he was just sleeping. I mean he was perfect! All his precious little toes and fingers and a full head of hair. But they had to take him away and reality had to set in that God had given me the most beautiful gift and then ripped it away. God allowed me to feel such joy of him growing inside me and then allowed all of Khalid's and mine's dreams to disappear.

Now instead of my beautiful baby inside me, I just have despair and anger. Never in all of my life did I imagine that I would have to plan a funeral and place my baby in the ground. Never should a mommy have to kiss her baby and place him in a coffin. Never should a daddy not be given the chance to hold his son. Never should a human heart have to withstand this type of heartbreak and pain.

The funeral arrangements took what felt like forever to plan and was shocking for myself, Khalid, and my family: all the little details and the cost. It was a good distraction for a week though and then the funeral. The home was set up so beautiful with Nicoda in his bassinet. He was dressed in a little green giraffe outfit and we put several of his giraffe stuffed animals with him. He also had his Royals jersey and a Royals baseball from his papa. The home was decorated with his precious photos and so many people came from my work and from churches. I could handle all of that, but then I had to ride with Nicoda to the cemetery and thats when I went cold inside. My little boy in a box, in the ground -- instead of inside of me or in my arms. I feel like the worst mom in the world -- I couldn't protect my baby and now I have left him alone in the ground. There are not enough tears or words to describe how broken I am. Not enough days in this lifetime to make me forget Nicoda or to ever stop missing the angel who touched my life in such a big way.

So now I have new prayers -- ones that you can help by praying for me as well. "Father God, teach me to embrace my grief and not fight it, so that I may experience the true healing that comes from You. Carry me in your arms until I am able to walk again. Amen." My other prayer is not for myself but for my heartbroken husband..."Father in Heaven, hold Khalid in your arms as he searches for meaning. Draw him closer to You and to me. Let him experience such peace that he can not deny it is from You. Amen"

Bigger and Better

I have been inspired by my beautiful friend, Jacqueline, to update my blog. I opened my blog to tell people how I was doing in Austria and the amazing things that were happening, so didn't keep adding after I returned to America. As I was reading my past posts though, I realized (in that way one does over and over again) that the things happening in my life right now are just as amazing.

Since my last post I found a car...a little red Neon named Peanut; a job...I am a Foster Care Case Manager for Cornerstones of Care where I do case management for kids and families; 3 places to live -- with Katie in her townhouse for a few months, in my own apartment which ended up having mold, and most recently with Mark and Heidi Elmore who have opened their home and lives to me. Most importantly though I married my life partner and husband, Khalid Hamidi. I actually met him while I was living in Austria and dated him while I was there. I did not write much about him while I was there because I struggled a lot with if I should be dating while doing mission work. But we stayed together even after I moved back to the States and the move back actually solidified our love for each other and gave both of us a clear vantage point to see how much we wanted to be together. So...we eloped on May 16th, 2008! That was the high point of our relationship together because we then started the long process of obtaining a visa when your husband is Afghani. Khalid and I are still in that process and pray everyday that God blesses us by bringing him here...

So Khalid and I have been married for 7 months now and are preparing for the most amazing thing our lives -- to be parents. Our blessing Nicoda is 29 weeks along and I believe a lot like his dad because it has not been an easy pregnancy. hee hee But even 9 hard months of pregnancy are going to be worth the joy of finally meeting Nicoda Shaw. We had our sonogram in November and had a special moment together when I went to visit in Vienna and we opened the sonogram paper...it said BOY! We both thought it was a boy and wanted a boy, so we were glad that Nicoda went along with us. :-) So now we pray with a deadline in mind -- March 16th is the date Nicoda comes and that we need Khalid to be here.

I believe that every week of pregnancy is better than the one before -- every week I can feel Nicoda move/kick more and more. I love reading about how he is growing and I stand amazed at what a miracle God is forming inside me. Nicoda really favors my right side though and I can feel him put his little hands and feet under my ribs (not such a pleasant feeling). He also loves to wake up as soon as he senses that I am about to sleep. :-) One other important fact about Nicoda is that he dislikes sweet things, especially ice cream. I could not believe and still can't that any child of mine would disagree with a nice bowl of chocolate heaven, but it's true. I still sneak some every now and again, but usually regret it later. :-)

Well I hope if you are reading this that you feel properly updated...I will update again soon and add some photos of myself x2 -- literally pictures of me twice as big. I tried to tell my family that I deserved twice as many gifts for Christmas this year, since I am twice as big as last, but I don't think they brought it.

Merry Christmas! God Bless!