For Everything There Is A Season

NEW BLOG!!!

2010-01-06T11:45:00.001-08:00

Come out my new blog for my new life!

http://www.khalidnstacia.blogspot.com/

Christmas With Khalid

2009-12-20T07:30:00.000-08:00

We got our Christmas tree! It has been snowing, snowing, snowing here but we ventured out and got our tree! :-) I am so proud of how into Christmas Khalid is getting considering he hasn't been celebrating it very long.... My poor little car still hasn't made here yet with my Christmas decorations, but we used string and paper snowflakes to make our tree look festive. We also used a date night to go down to the Rathaus (Town Hall) to their big Christmas Market where we purschased our first ornament together. :-) It was freezing, but it was exciting to see the city all lit up and Christmasy. They were having a big Coca-Cola party as well, so it was packed. And I am probably the only one in Vienna who was craving ice cream, but I also got a wonderful coffe haselnut eis to celebrate. Ha! Yea! for Jesus being born so we could have a cool holiday and a place in heaven! GIGATTATGIG!

Finally Our Forever Begins....

2009-12-15T04:16:00.000-08:00

Well it is here! Khalid and I are "really married" now....like we aren't just having vacation time together, we aren't counting the days til I leave, and (THANK YOU GOD) we aren't talking on the phone anymore! It has been nice to be here with him -- set up house (semi - cause we are moving in a couple of months), try to get excited about Christmas, and just to be held all the time. We had Christmas together once when we were dating, but I spent most of my time with the kids here, so I am excited to share this Christmas with him. We are getting a tree this week and are going to decorate with paper snowflakes -- because my decorations are in the car and not sure when it will finally arrive. So our forever is beginning!

A small damper in our joy of being together is that I am struggling so much with Nicoda's birthday coming up soon -- and it has made my anxiety skyrocket. I am functionable, but barely somedays. But Khalid has been trying to make me feel better and even if he doesn't realize it, I am better for just being here. Alas I am praying that we still have a good Christmas amidst my rollercoaster of emotions these days.

I'll post some pictures after we decorate....its funny -- I always take SOOO many pictures, but now that I am here, here I've barely taken one. Ha!

God's Reaffirming

2009-11-17T19:39:00.000-08:00

I had such a good God moment today that I wanted to share. I woke up later than expected today and missed my Bible and devotional reading which I have been getting pretty consistent on, so I was kicking myself. I have been really struggling with several things lately, so I have been reading and praying ALL the time. Well today something I have been praying for got shot down or I guess the answer just hasn't come yet, but I just felt this peace that God still wanted me to pray, that His will was still going to happen. Then when I came home tonight I read my devotional and it was COMPLETELY about praying until something happens. It even gave the example of striking the match over and over, until the fire blazes. I thought "YES GOD! I am getting the message!" If I had read that this morning, then it wouldn't have been as powerful. Yea God! So pray, pray, pray thats what I'll do! (But I will still try to do my readings in the morning...) :-)

Phillipsburgh Lovin

2009-11-13T19:14:00.000-08:00

This past week I got to go with Jacqueline and Chloe to visit Jac's family. It was SO nice...we ate alot, visited alot, attended Sharlene's Shutterfly party, and most important for me felt loved. I got so many hugs and smiled so much while I was there. It was so sweet to see Chloe interact with her extended family as well -- they all love her so much! It did my heart good to go there and I told my friend Heidi that driving back, I actually felt happy. I am happy other times, but I was just running over with happiness and it has been a long time since I felt that. So YEA! for God's people spilling their love and joy to others! And Yea! for Jacqueline having such a great family -- grandparents, aunts, cousins! And Yea! for Shutterfly giving out free photobooks....

Pictures from our trip :-)

Keesee's and Sikes'

Lovin on Chloe

Bob making us a wonderful breakfast!

Chloe getting some Grams time

Jazzy doing so good on our roadtrip

Chloe enjoying NOT being in the carseat. :-)

Our welcome sign! :-) Sharlene and Bob are both so welcoming!

When One Door Shuts, Another Opens

2009-10-30T22:14:00.000-07:00

YAY!!! Khalid and I are FINALLY going to be together -- I'm finally going to be a wife and enjoy fighting over dishes and trash! :-) We are both so excited. It does my heart good to hear his smile over the phone. And I wish I could have recorded his voice when he called to tell how the hearing he went -- he was shouting! PRAISE GOD! We were both honestly not very hopeful because every other door we had prayed for had been shut, so for it to be flown open was like water to our dry hearts! so again i say PRAISE GOD! We prayed and prayed and prayed for so long and with so many tears for his American papers and the door was not just shut, it was slammed. Then a month later (and still more prayers) the door for us to be together was opened. God said, "Finally you asked for what my plan was!" Well thanks God -- we got the message after the fact. Sorry we are such dense humans. So who knows -- America may still be in our future, but God has plans for us yet still in Europe. All in His timing and according to His will....PRAISE GOD! I am so excited to be with Khalid and my anxiety to go down. Ever since I came back to America in September I have been having anxiety attacks almost daily -- almost like my body rebelling being away from Khalid. So it will do my body and heart good to be there. My planned move date is Dec. 3rd, but that is all contigent on dollars lining up like we need. But if God wants me there, no money will hold me back. That is a lesson I learned being a missionary -- the money is the easy part. :-) So can I say PRAISE GOD again?

I also wanted to post a HUGE THANK YOU for all the people who have been praying....we truly appreciate it. And we ask you not to stop....we still need a few more details to iron out and for my mental status about leaving my fam and friends here. And I logically know that Nicoda is in heaven, but I feel such a pull to his grave, it is always hard to think of being so far from "him". But Khalid's hugs and our memories of Nicoda are defintely a better memorial than a headstone.

More details and moving plans to come!

Kansas City, Here We Come

2009-10-28T21:57:00.000-07:00

Jac, Chloe, and I took a road trip to the close and nearby city of home. I wanted to get some good shots of Kansas City before I move, so I can have a little book of home with me. So here are some of pictures of how I see Kansas City. :-)

Still need to get some shots of Worlds of Fun and my favorite gas station, Quiktrip. Anybody think of any shots that I am missing?

Then there are some pictures of us -- because who can resist taking pictures with Chloe! :-)

"Lights of Love"

2009-10-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

Today is October 15th and at 7 pm (my time zone) I will be lighting a candle for Nicoda and all the babies I know that have passed away through miscarriage and stillbirth. It is called Lights of Love and is a nationally recognized day for Infant Loss. I am asking that you join me in remembering Nicoda by also lighting a candle for one hour on Thursday at 7. If you do, I am also asking that you take a picture as I would like to document some of them in his scrapbook. So many people have experienced this loss either personally, as a family member, or close friend -- so light the candle for all the babies you know who have passed. I will be remembering Thomas, Opal, Levi, and Gracie and many other babies whom I know are with my son in heaven.

Here is a link with a video and more information. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSYvT-Qv_5w

I love you Nicoda and can't wait to hold you in heaven again.

Sept Fotos

2009-10-06T15:35:00.000-07:00

Chloe so excited Mommy is home!
Fall Pies -- Me and Heidi

Kaylin - so happy to play with "Mommy's friend"
(Leah Roushar's daughter)

Piper - starting to walk and learning to terrorize the cat like her sister

(Leah Roushar's daughter)

Trying to get Chloe to smile

My nephew turned 6!

Jacqueline's Birthday

Chloe in her "power outfit"

Time is Inching Along

2009-10-04T21:12:00.000-07:00

I am always amazed how time technically never goes at different speeds -- yet we feel that it does. When the calender hit October and the leaves started to turn here in Kansas City, I was very confused. How could it possibly be October? I feel like it should be March, almost like I become stuck there and yet the world hasn't been. The weeks and months right after Nicoda died felt like years. I could not get through a week without wondering WHY it felt like a month had passed. Now it has been 9 months and time is moving along again...it is just another way for me to see how my grief is becoming a part of me vs. being all of me. When time starts to move again.... Sorry if none of that made any sense. HA!

Basically right now I am just trying to spend time with people I love. I use my umemployed hours helping around the house where I live, running errands, and visiting friends and family. It has been such a joy to have Jacqueline and Jordan in Kansas City -- Jac and Chloe are home during the day, so I go and hang out there. It is so great to go from visits once, maybe twice a year to once or twice a week. And it gives me plenty of time to start teaching Chloe my name before I move.

I have also gotten almost completely ready to move to Austria....I went through ALL my things and packed them for Austria, storage, or Goodwill. Even though it is looking like I won't be able to afford to leave until early December - I love that ready to go feeling. It is so exciting to me to think about moving there, about being with Khalid, setting up our first home, getting off the airplane and not having to count the days til I have to fly back. I was telling my friend Amanda that I truly feel like a newlywed -- finally combining our homes and lives together! Soon and very soon we are hoping! Please pray that everything works out and that Khalid and I have the patience to handle just a couple more months!

I'll try to post some pictures soon -- I would do it now, but it keeps freezing when I try, so my computer must be tired. :-)

Back to States...and Wishing I Wasn't

2009-09-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

Date Night! :-)

I made my Atlantic Ocean trip again. Every time I leave Khalid I start my countdown of when I get to go back and this trip was probably the most special to me because it was long enough for us to feel married. No vacation feeling or deep grieving.... Ahh! Who would have thought that having domestic arguments about doing the dishes is something that would make me happy. I got to spend almost 6 weeks with Khalid. We watched movies, walked by the river (he was only a few blocks away) and toured a castle nearby. And we naturally had a lot of my favorite....ICE CREAM. And by we, I mean only me. He did sacrifice and get some just once. One afternoon Khalid suggested we go to a nearby church and light a candle for our Nicoda -- it was so touching for me to know that he thinks about Nicoda so much. He does not talk about his pain so much, but the little things he does and says sometimes clue me in.
Our visa that we had been hoping for Khalid and that many people wrote support letters for was denied. That was a dark day for me because I had put so much hope into us starting our married life in America. But God has different plans for our family, so it is our hope and prayer that I am able to move to Austria before the holidays. It all depends on government process though -- which has not proved to be our friend, so we are nervous. But it is that little bit of hope that keeps pushing us through....

Castle we visited

Khalid loved the seeing all the rooms and weapons....

Flowers we picked from the road

Lighting a candle for Nicoda

Cheese! :-)

Time Away, Time Alone

2009-07-17T21:38:00.001-07:00

Right now I am on a mini-vacation. I say mini not because it is short in time, but because I have responsibilities while I am on it. To start with I drove to my mom's for a couple of days in Kentucky. We had a good time. I shared with her my book I made for Nicoda, we went thrift store and book shopping, and I got to meet all of her farm animals. We also got to tour one of the oldest houses in Lexington built in 1810. I didn't ride a horse though....just took a picture by one for Khalid.
Then I came to Cabot, Arkansas....to house/child/ sit for an friend from Abilene. Her husband is stationed in Little Rock and they were headed for vacation, so I came to watch the animals. Two things about AR: first there are more flies here in Cabot then all of the rest of America; second it so humid here the steam rises off the ground and my glasses fog whenever I walk outside the house...i wouldn't have believed it to be so only one state south of my own.

The vacation part comes mentally. I am taking purposefully time to regroup my emotions and my thoughts. I am making Nicoda's scrapbook while I am here and have already had some very hard nights just reliving everything. Yet I feel in the end it is really going to help. The first night I started to sort through my pictures I broke down. I wanted so badly to hold Nicoda -- to just have one more minute to hold him, to feel his baby soft skin, to run away from the hospital with him and take him to Khalid....but that won't come til heaven. :-( I cried for most of the night and the next, despite my sleeping pills til exhaustion took over. When I woke up two days ago (in the afternoon - HA!) I was reading my devotional and it was on the verse in Proverbs "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" and I was struck by how I am trying so hard to be strong with only my own strength and using only what I know of this world. As I keep thinking about it all day, I tearfully came to the realization that God knows exactly how I feel -- He lost His Son too. Not that I did not cognitive know that already -- but mind and heart knowledge don't always meet up. When God's Son died, the biggest blessing in world occurred...a chance to have a relationship with God on a slate washed clean by His blood. So I am going to miss Nicoda for the rest of my life and I am still going to cry a lot -- but I am going to pray and pray everyday that Nicoda's death will bring blessings in some form as well.

"Dear God, I am so sorry for forgetting how much you love my little boy and you hurt when I hurt. Please allow me to let you hold me and heal me. Continue to open my eyes as Your plan unfolds...help my unbelief. And as always please open a door to allow Khalid and me to be together. Amen."

Prayers for my Hubby

2009-07-04T08:46:00.000-07:00

I know I write a lot on this blog about how hard my life is and I do still need prayers....so many still. The pain of losing Nicoda is still so fresh and I feel daily reminded of how old he should be (almost 4 mo)...or remembering how different it was one year ago when I was still pregnant and hopeful.

But the biggest strain right now is being separated from Khalid. It is a huge strain on him as well and he needs a lot of prayers right now. For months he has been my rock and kept me going -- and now he is hurting so much and I can't help him. Talking on the phone isn't what he needs right now and that is all I have. He aches for all the things that are missing in his life and wants closure of this visa process. Please pray for his faith to grow, for peace and strength, and for our marriage come through this storm stronger. Thank you!

Streams in the Desert

2009-07-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

This is a poem that I have been reading over and over and over again. It is soothing to me and helps to remember that even when I don't feel it or want to believe it -- God's Word and promises are still true.

My words...will come true at their proper time. (Luke 1:20)

What the Lord has said...will be accomplished! (Luke 1:45)

The Lord is sure to accomplish those things
A loving heart has waited to see;
Those words will be fulfilled to which she clings,
because her God has promised faithfully;
And, knowing Him, she never can doubt His Word;
He speaks and it is done. The Mighty Lord!

The Lord is sure to accomplish those things,
O burdened heart, rest in His care;
In quients beneath His shadowing wings
Await the anser to your longings and prayer.
When you have "cast your cares" the heart sings,
The Lord is sure to accomplish those things.

The Lord is sure to accomplish those things,
O tired heart, believe, wait, pray.
Though cloud and rain and storm have filled the day.
Faith pierces through the mist of doubt that bars
the coming night and finds the stars.

The Lords is sure to accomplish those things,
O trusting heart, the Lord to you has told;
Let faith and hope arise and lift their wings;
to soar toward that sunrise clouds of gold;
the doorways of the rosy dawn swing wide,
Revealing joys the darkness of night did hide.

-Bessie Porter

Just Be There

2009-06-25T15:14:00.000-07:00

You don't know how I feel; please don't tell me that you do. There's just one way to know--have you lost a child too?" You'll have another child"--must I hear this every day? Can I get another mother, too, if mine should pass away?

Don't say it was "God's will"--that's not the God I know. Would God, on purpose, break my heart, then watch as my tears flow?" You have an angel in heaven--a precious child above. "But tell me, to whom here on earth shall I give all this love?

"Aren't you better yet?" Is that what I heard you say? No! A part of my heart aches and I'll always feel some pain. You think that silence is kind, but it hurts me even more. I want to talk about my child who has gone through death's door.

Don't say these things to me, although you do mean well. They do not take my pain away; I must go through this hell. I will get better, slow but sure--and it helps to have you near. And a simple "I'm sorry you lost your child" is all I need to hear.

~ Gail Fasolo ~

Nicoda Shaw Hamidi

2009-06-13T23:52:00.001-07:00

Discouraged

2009-06-05T21:17:00.000-07:00

I can't think of a better word to describe myself right now...discouraged. Well maybe depressed would work as well. :-( People try to make me feel better or give me advice, but it's like trying to water a dead plant. It has been 13 months with no hubby and 6 months with no Nicoda -- and it doesn't seem to be getting better. No amount of crying, no amount of praying, no amount of dreaming is changing that everything sucks right now. I try to read my Bible, but -what is it that people say - that at different points in your life you see different things in Scripture. Well when I read the OT, I see over and over how God punishes the Israelites....and that is how I feel, punished. Whether for some unknown horrible sin or maybe because I was going to be a bad mother -- who knows. And the NT...all about how much God loves us -- and I get that He loves Nicoda, He let him be born into heaven -- but where is the love for me and Khalid. When does this earthly hell end? When does the God of peace hold me and the God of justice bring my husband and I together? Where is God when I cry for days all alone and the phone never even rings? Where is God when I need my husband so bad and Homeland Security doesn't even believe we are in love? I feel like Humpty Dumpty (besides my baby fat), I just don't know know if it'll get put back together again.....

Help Bring Khalid to America

2009-05-29T22:47:00.000-07:00

I know most people have already heard this and/or read about this -- but I wanted to cover all my bases. I am recieved a letter from Homeland Security attacking Khalid's Christianity and the validity of our marriage (if we married for love or a visa). Thus I am asking anyone who knows me and of Khalid through me to write a letter stating this. I want Homeland Security to realize that I am love my husband more than anything, that I am capable of making good choices, and that it is offense to question his faith, anyone's faith for that matter. It is hurtful and shocking that Nicoda is not a good enough example of our love for each other....I mean he is the cutest baby EVER and looks so much like his daddy! (and I am not biased at all.)

Anyways if you want to help, can help please e-mail a letter to me at stacia_hamidi@yahoo.com. It can short and sweet or as lengthy as you want. I just need to mail them by Monday or Tuesday, so make sure I have enough to print yours off.

Thank you so much!!!

Memorial Day

2009-05-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

Memorial Day -- a day to honor those who have fallen for our country. I went to Celebration at the Station (a big concert and fireworks show) last night for Memorial Day and it was so touching. They had all the service men stand and then showed a slide show to honor those who are no longer here. It was in front of the WWI memorial or Liberty Memorial. It was very hard -- all thoughts of death for me right now are. It has also been hard to see so many people when I visit Nicoda. I usually see one or two cars and this weekend total I saw probably 500 hundred....eye opening how death touches everyone. :-( The one thing that none of us can escape.

One Year Anniversary and PRAYER!

2009-05-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

One year married, but one year apart. Khalid and I spent hours and hours talking yesterday on the phone to celebrate our anniversary. We talked about our wedding day and tried to remember every detail -- I was surprised at the little things he still recalled that I hadn't. We talked about our dreams and how much we hope to be together soon. It was nice...very nice. Sometimes in our daily talkings of how are you, what are you doing, etc, we forget how it is to talk about life and issues. I loved my hours talking to Khalid.

We got some good news on our process which was wonderful for a few days before we got some really bad news. The good news is that we might be closer to him getting Austrian papers....and EU citizens can travel to the United States without needing a visa.

The bad news that the immigration people that we have been dealing with and having troubles with spoke with Homeland Security whom Khalid and I had a joint interview with and passed. Homeland Security is now pulling their approval based on stupid facts and false information -- they are stating that I married Khalid just to get him to the United States and that he became a Christian also for this same purpose. It is awful and it was a slap in the face to even read it. After everything we have been through and trying so hard -- they resort to saying that we don't really love each other and degrade Khalid's faith. It is an all-time low....even for the United States Government. I am not sure what I need to do next except write a rebuttal letter, but what we need the most is PRAYER!

PLEASE PRAY FOR A MIRACLE!

PRAY FOR SOMEONE COMPASSIONATE TO RECEIVE MY LETTER!

PRAY THAT GOD SHOWS HIMSELF IN THIS PROCESS BY ALLOWING KHALID AND I TO BE TOGETHER FINALLY!

Thank you!

Chloe "MJ" Sikes

2009-05-13T15:07:00.000-07:00

I finally got to meet her. Ms. Chloe Mae!

It was so wonderful to meet her and catch up with Jacqueline. I got to do the whole sha-bang with her -- diaper, change clothes, hold her, feed her, get puked on. Chloe even got to meet Leah's daughter Piper. :-) I still can't believe that they are actually going to be moving to Kansas City either. YEA! Jordan and Jacqueline are both so great parents....you are one lucky girl MJ! I can't wait to keep spoiling you. :-)

Dream of Heaven

2009-05-13T14:49:00.000-07:00

Last week I had a dream about Nicoda that I wish I could dream each night. I dream of Nicoda a lot -- but it is usually reliving his death. :-( So when I woke up last week with such a feeling of peace, I almost wept.

I dreamt I was in heaven holding Nicoda. It was just me holding him and we were looking at each other. We were both completely focused on each other and yet I was also completely aware of everything around me -- Jesus, others who have died, clouds. And I felt what I can imagine is true peace. I can barely even describe it though.... It was feeling alive and so calm. Every sense, every cell was in tune. The dream was as every heaven dream should be....heavenly. Peace, Nicoda, and Jesus :-)

I told Khalid about it and he was so jealous....not of me being in heaven, but that I got to be with Nicoda. So now I am praying for him to have a good Nicoda dream as well....

Shout Outs

2009-04-29T20:40:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my previous post these past weeks have been awful. I am not even sure why I have been hopping back and forth between living and despair.....but it is miserable. In 4 days I am sure I clocked at least 10 solid hours of crying and sobbing. Talk about a headache.... :-( When I have those days (today is a been a breather) it is a feeling of complete hopelessness. I feel as I have no reason to go on and I spend hours begging God to take me to heaven. But God sent His people love me through the dark days and nights....

Thank you Leah and Carol for being Jesus' arms when I felt I couldn't get more alone.
Thank you Heidi for constantly lifting me up in prayer and praying over me.
Thank you Rachael for a blessed massage that helped me sleep.

And thank you God that when I am so bitter at the unjustness and unfairness of this world -- you just take my anger and keep on loving me.

Father, my earthly eyes are getting in the way of Your truth. Even when I don't feel it or especially when I don't feel it, help me to know without a doubt Your goodness and faithfulness are in my life. Mold the desires of my heart to be Yours. Amen.

Seasons Change

2009-04-25T18:14:00.000-07:00

This past week was very traumatic for me. I have been spiraling since Easter and this week was not any better. The best way to explain how I feel is a roller coaster of emotions. I am out of the stage of grief where it I’m depressed 24/7 – but I feel as if that not being depressed all the time is harder. I will have a couple of days where I can see the sunshine and I can hope for tomorrows….then it is whamo! and the truck hits me again. It is so hard to get a glimpse of where I want to be and then to be taken back to the down in the gut wrenching pain. Sometimes it rotates day by day, sometime hour by hour.

This week I spiraled because they seeded Nicoda’s grave.

In my head that line deserves its own paragraph because of how hard it has been this week because of it. I broke down at the cemetery when I saw because it just is one more way to cement in my mind that Nicoda is gone….gone as in forever. That was Monday – so Tuesday I didn’t even leave my bed and Wednesday I spent the day again at the cemetery. Thursday I had to work and I went to Bible study which also makes me feel better. Friday started out great – I was teaching 4th grade and excited to go to the Royals game that night. Then we got to the SOLD OUT Royals game and I realized our section was the pregnant women and babies section (not really but it seemed that way). All happiness gone, all desire to be there, and a huge anxiety attack. All those women have what I cannot have…..and it isn’t fair.

For awhile I was at a point where the why didn’t matter anymore; I’m back to it mattering. I want to know WHY!?! Why my baby? If I ever saw a friend or family member hurting like me – I couldn’t take it. I would need to do something to take it away….so if God really loves me why doesn’t He help me? Why didn’t He stop Nicoda from dying? Why doesn’t He let me be with Khalid? Why did he let me go to a game that would devastate me? Why is He so far away? I can’t wrap my mind around it…I can’t see through the pain enough. I know all of the “Bible” answers to those questions, but they don’t soothe my raw, bleeding emotions. I know God is there because He promised to be – but I don’t feel Him or see Him. I feel alone – I am alone.

I want to be held….I want to sleep again….I want to hold my son….I want my husband!

Kids Say the Darn'dst Things

2009-04-15T11:32:00.000-07:00

I have to pay the bills somehow and since I can't emotionally handle foster care anymore, I am subbing. I enjoy it though -- it keeps my mind busy and I love children. And the things they say.... :-)

"I know why girls have babies in their tummies and boys don't," said one little 1st grader.
"Why is that?"
He replied, "Because girls are gross AND babies are gross."

"Mrs. H (they can't say Hamidi), do you have any kids?" (3rd grade boy)
"Yes, I have a one son, but he is in heaven now."
"Ohhhh....he was in the Army." (said so matter factly like all Army guys die. HA)

But the things they say are not always so funny. One little girl when I was teaching Art (of all things) came up to me crying because the girl next to her had drawn a picture for her brother. The little girl was upset because she said her mom went to the hospital to have her brother, but her brother didn't get to come home. He had to go to heaven. To say the least, it was a punch in the gut. I gave her hug and tried so hard not to sob....(I also let her go to the nurses office for the rest of class). One little girl just yesterday told me that she couldn't write about Easter in her journal because she hadn't celebrated it yet. She explained that her Mom talked to God who talked to the Easter Bunny and it was decided that Easter would held off until her brother came home from chemo treatment. She is hoping it is this week.... :-( I am not sure why God has me hear their sad stories -- sometimes they send me spiraling down for the day -- but they touched me and maybe that is why. So somebody would remember to pray.

My favorite sub story deals with Nicoda directly -- which is why it is my favorite. I was teaching a 3rd grade class (4 days) and met a cute girl from another class during the freezing recess. She offered to walk with me to help me stay warm. While walking and talking, she asked me if I believe in God. I told her yes. She explained that she is Muslim and prays to Allah who is like God. I told her that I knew about Muslims because my husband used to be Muslim. She was shocked at this, but asked if we had any kids. I told her what I always tell the kids -- "Yes, one son who is in heaven." She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and told me how sorry she was. She told me that Allah would take care of my baby and she would pray for my husband and I. She's 9. A few days later I was in her classroom to help with a test, and I saw her name printed on her desk. Nargiz....the name of my mother-in-law who is also in heaven. I was excited to meet someone with that name, and only later realized what a blessing I had encountered. Never since Nicoda died did I even consider that he might be with his grandmother. I cried and truly feel that Khalid's mom wanted me to know that she is taking care of Nicoda. I tear up just writing this story because it gives me goosebumps and makes me even more excited to be in heaven -- to see my baby and meet Khalid's parents.

God is all around us. Even in our darkest times, He sends what you need.... Maybe for that day it is tears to release emotions, a friend to hug you, anger to get you out of bed, or a precious 9 year old to remind that God is bigger than all things. I still don't believe that God chose me to lose a child -- something so awful could only come from Satan -- but I do believe that God will work through this pain. To Him be the glory forever.

Forget Me Not

2009-04-10T08:01:00.000-07:00

My little one
You have left us too soon
Though I can no longer hold you
I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful
as this flower caught in time
A mother's love does not forget

3 Months Away from My Baby

2009-04-06T20:25:00.000-07:00

They say as time goes by the pain becomes less, but I am struggling to believe them. It has been three months to the day since I got to see and hold my precious baby and it breaks my heart that I am that far away in time from him. I know that Nicoda is blessed and that he lives in heaven, spared from our fallen world -- but 3 months since the last time I got to kiss his face and feel his kicks feels like an eternity. I still go to the store and look at little clothes and think, "How cute he would be in this" -- only now I don't buy them.

Last Sunday I went to his gravesite and I was so upset -- I just wanted to scream and yell at the injustice it is that my son lives in a cementary....but before I could start, I felt his voice keep saying over and over to me, "I'm not here Mommy, I'm not here." I know it probably doesn't make sense to many people, but it was just another reminder to me that his grave is where I can grieve -- but he isn't there. He is being held in heaven -- eternally blessed.

Nicoda -- You are so blessed to be with Jesus. Remember at the same time God is holding you in His arms, I am holding you in my heart. I love you. I miss you. -- Mommy

Candle

2009-04-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share a photo of my beautiful candle that was made for Nicoda. All of the flowers from the funeral were sent to a company that pressed them and made them into a hollow oil burning candle. It is so beautiful and I love that his flowers were able to be saved! I have the candle on my shelf with some of his other items, so I can see them each day.

Overwhelmed

2009-04-01T09:22:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been overwhelmed -- with wanting to be with Khalid, with wanting Nicoda, with despair, with bitterness. I do not want a reason why he died medically, I want a reason why HE died. I am hurting so bad inside and out. My grief is becoming exhasting. I am surrounded by blessings from God, but so overcome with bitterness. :-( I need more prayers.

Father God,
You know me -- inside and out. You know how hard losing Nicoda has been for me. You know all that I am doing --right and wrong. You know my doubts, my questions, my pain. You know how fragile my faith is. When I cry each day, I know you hear me. When I so angry and can't keep it inside, I know you're there too. And when I come to you in prayer, I know you hold me. I know all of these things because you promised it to your people, now I am asking that besides knowing, that I feel it. You promised to fill our cups to overflowing....thats what I want. My cup is empty and I need something to bring me through this pain, so I can live again. I need your strength, your Spirt to awake me. Let me shine with your love. Let others see You through my weakness.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

Jacqueline and MJ (mini-Jacqueline)

2009-03-28T14:32:00.001-07:00

My best friend, Jacqueline, is about to have her precious little girl. Maybe tomorrow or in two weeks, but the time is near. Please pray for her and the upcoming labor -- pray that everything goes as desired and MJ comes home healthy! I am posting my first picture with MJ (Jacqueline is in the picture as well). :-) I got to feel her move and catch up with Jacqueline during my layover in Chicago.

It was only yesterday when I was at York and slowly this amazing classmate of mine became my friend and then my best friend. I was in her wedding and we have shared our lives together since. We have laughed together, cried together, and even took a road trip to NYC. When I found out I was pregnant last year, she was one of the first people I told and we began a different journey as we were pregnant together as well. Since Nicoda was born, Jacqueline has been there as much as she could for me -- cards, prayers, listening to me cry for hours. Just today I got a CD from her in the mail where one of the songs is a baby singing to his mommy from heaven and telling her not to worry. It was a heart wrenching song for me (although amazing) and I was reminded what a great friend I have.

Don't forget to pray.... :-)

Hubby Time

2009-03-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

Yea! for God and His immeasurable blessings. Although I am hurting so much and wish that one of my blessings had been Nicoda for longer, I am so glad that I was able to spend 5 glorious weeks with Khalid.

The most exciting thing that we did each day was just be together. Khalid was AMAZING at being supportive. I cried everyday – usually in the mornings because I dream so badly – and he held me everyday. Even when I knew he was weary of all the tears….What a Blessing! We watched A LOT of movies (yeah for youtube) because there was not much else to do at our dorm-like apartment. We were about an hour train ride outside of Vienna, so only went into the city for our two visits to the American Consulate. We walked around the countryside as well – for the first two weeks we had knee length snow, then knee length mud. ☺ What a Blessing! Almost each day we made lunch or dinner into quite an affair for the sole reason of having something to do. Khalid is so praiseworthy of my cooking that it was fun to keep trying new recipes on him. What a Blessing! Also each day we would read questions from a “Would You Rather…” book. It helped bring up new words for Khalid to learn and to discuss some serious and some silly topics. What a Blessing!

Words we learned: the differences between pride, honor, glory (hard!) differences in the words cap, cup, and cab (which he first thought were all cap), grief, anniversary, bankrupt, prisoner, jury, and guard (because a big court case is going on in Austria). And the learning lessons were also for me….I learned to write my name, Khalid’s and Nicoda’s names in Persian. I practiced greetings and numbers as well – although I won’t lie that I am truly awful at learning languages. I was constantly amazed how fast Khalid would pick up on words and phrases….especially my phrases. How telling of me that my husband calls people ‘pissants’ when he is annoyed and yells ‘Bullcrap’ at me when we are arguing. Whenever he uses a truly American phrase in an argument – the argument is usually over because I cannot stop laughing.

As to paperwork – we applied for some paperwork from Afghanistan, but if the American Consulate doesn’t think it is offical enough we are at a standstill STILL. Which leaves our only options for me to move to Austria or for both of us to immigrant to a different country. Very frustrating and we need a lot of prayer. It is unacceptable to me that Khalid should not even be allowed to see Nicoda’s grave or meet my family. The consulate general spent more time questioning if we were married for the right reasons (like anyone would go to this much work or have a baby together) instead of brainstorming paperwork solutions. Ahhh!

Faith was a big topic for us while I was there as well. Khalid is a relatively new Christian and I being very confused and hurt. But again my husband shocked me and was AMAZING. He has days that he questions and gets angry, but they never mirrored mine – so he reassured me day after day that God has a plan….God loves us….God is taking care of Nicoda….and mostly importantly again and again GOD HAS A PLAN FOR US. What a blessing I have for a husband!

March 16th -- Come and Gone

2009-03-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

March 16th came and went before I was prepared. It was a day that I thought my life would be changed forever and as I sat up most of the night crying, I realized it was changed forever. It was the day Nicoda was supposed to be here. Khalid and I looked at Nicoda’s pictures the night before and talked about how life is different now. Khalid told me that we have to start viewing Nicoda as a diamond – something so valuable. And just like people don’t wear a 5-carat diamond everyday, we don’t get to carry Nicoda around. But that doesn’t mean we can’t walk around and be proud of what a treasure we have and that is waiting for us in heaven.

March 16th was also Khalid and I’s 10-month anniversary. Khalid can’t pronounce anniversary so he said “Happy University” to me all day – so cute! After a very emotional night for me, I put of my happy face and we celebrated by having one of Khalid’s meals – Big Mac Value Meal! Then we went bowling – it was Khalid’s first time, so I am ashamed to admit that he still won 2 out of 3. Apparently he just needed the first game to learn and conquer. ☺

Struggling

2009-03-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

I'm back in America and to be honest, it is awful. My feelings of peace for Nicoda have disappeared and I miss my husband more than ever. Khalid and I had almost 6 heavenly weeks together and it is heart wrenching to be back here. I feel more alone than before I left -- and here has so many memories of Nicoda that it is not as easy to move through each day. I will blog more about my trip later, but wanted to ask people to pray and pray alot. My heart can't take being away from Khalid for too much longer....

I Wanted So Much For You

2009-03-15T03:55:00.000-07:00

I wanted so much more for you, my sweet little baby.
I wanted to change your diapers, not my life.
I wanted to nurse you, not my grief.
I wanted to dress you up, not bury you.
I wanted to hear the sounds of you crying for me at night,
not my sounds of crying for you, my precious baby.
I wanted to see you grow, not the grass upon your grave.
I wanted to see you asleep in your crib, not in your funeral bassinet.
I wanted to give you life, not death.
I wanted to show you off to the world, not continue without you.
I wanted to design your nursery, not your headstone.
I wanted to pick up after you, not put down my dreams for you.
I wanted to hold you in my arms, not your pictures.
I wanted to show you to your daddy, not make him wait for heaven.
I wanted to tell you about Jesus, not you meet him before I.
I wanted to watch you become something on Earth, not an angel.
I wanted to wake up to you late at night, not to my sorrow.
I wanted so much for you, my newly born and gone child.
I wanted so much more
I wanted so much
I wanted
I wanted YOU.

Lord Jesus, grieving is as natural and as common as loving. I want to help make it as acceptable, too. May my healing journey spark healing in those around me. Amen.

Time In Austria

2009-03-09T05:38:00.000-07:00

My time in Austria is about to finish and I have been so blessed. Being with my husband has been a balm to my heart that I could have never imagined. The first month without Nicoda (it has been two months since last Friday) was so hard I thought I would die with the pain. And although it is still so hard and painful and I miss him so much everyday,I have a peace in my heart. MercyMe has a song titled Homesick and it speaks to me so much. I'll put the lyrics at the bottom, but it talks about how hard life is on Earth when your heart is truly in heaven with the ones you love. My best friend Jacqueline also blessed me by telling me of her friend who had a dream of Nicoda being in heaven. It comforted me to know that Nicoda was in heaven and being held.

My due date is next week as well and it makes this week very hard. I just keep imagining what my life was supposed to be like this week. I also keep struggling in my sleep -- I dream so much about the days before Nicoda died almost as if my brain is looking for a reason or something I did or didn't do. It is heartbreaking to wake up and relive his loss every morning.

In addition although Khalid and I have LOVED almost every minute together -- we are still frustrated by his visa process. We are not one bit closer to being together forever and is hard preparing to be alone again -- for both of us. The consulate here has given us NO hope and they are offensive to even talk to because they refuse to answer questions and only question the validly of our marriage. Ahh!

Please continue to pray healing for Khalid and I for Nicoda, pray for his visa process -- even if it just that someone accidentally stamps his file, and pray as I travel back to America and the pain that comes from being apart.

Homesick Lyrics
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Bitter :-(

2009-02-11T01:00:00.000-08:00

Last Friday would have been Nicoda's first birthday..had God seen fit for him to live. It was a VERY hard day for me. I can't even describe the emptiness that fills my heart when I think of Nicoda -- it is like I lost something and am constantly in a state of panic searching for him. I don't understand!!! How did I get 'chosen' to have all my dreams pulled away -- no husband to hold me and no baby to take care of? Is it Satan being himself or is God punishing me for some sin? Is it my fault for dreaming so much...for planning out Nicoda's life until he was 60 before I even heard him cry. I wonder everyday if I hadn't dreamed so much, if it would hurt less.

Tomorrow I leave to go be with my husband for a few weeks and I am sad for my him because not even that excites me right now. I know it will be SO comforting, but there is no joy. Yet talking to Khalid is almost the only time each day I smile, so maybe it will be more than just comforting. I feel so torn leaving Kansas City too -- I feel like I am leaving Nicoda. I visit his grave everyday and now I won't be able to there for 6 weeks. And at the same time it makes me so mad because it is only 6 weeks....6 weeks to spend with my husband then I am back to being alone again.

My life and brain has turned into a great contradiction as well...
I would never chose anyone I love to go through this pain, yet I long for someone to understand. I need God so much, yet my trust in Him is shattered. I cry everyday, yet never seem to run out of tears. I love that my precious baby, Nicoda is in heaven, but my arms ache that he is not with me. I am so grateful for how people have prayed for me and so angry the need to pray is even there.

So to continue the contradictions please pray that I can go at least one day without breaking down and pray that this is all a dream and that I will wake up on January 5to a different life.

How Long, Lord, how long? Show Me Light...

2009-02-04T22:00:00.000-08:00

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:2).

Please pray this prayer with me...it is hard to even write my prayer which is why I know I need help praying it. Praise the Lord that the Spirit can speak what our hearts groan, so that at this time when my heart aches to much to even speak, my prayers can be taken into the throne room.

Dear Lord,
Today I lift myself up to You. I am hurting so much and need the comfort only You can provide. I don't understand why so many crappy things happen in my life -- especially losing Nicoda. But help me to trust that you are working all things into good -- whether I see it here or in heaven. I ask that you continue to work in me as you heal my broken heart. Please give me people to support and help me along. Help them to know what to say and do and when not to say anything. You are a God who desires wholeness -- and I have seen you give this in others and in the Scriptures. So I beg you to please make me whole again -- mind, body, and spirit. Please also fill my cup up enough so I can support Khalid when he needs it. In your Son's name. Amen

Thank you for helping me pray and thank you for caring. I don't know how I go through most days and I don't want to imagine how hard it would be without so many others lifting me up in prayer. Thank you so much!

no luck... :-(

2009-01-31T20:37:00.000-08:00

I declared today a pamper Stacia day and went and did lots of little things I like. I got a new haircut, my eyebrows done, ate Chick-fil-A, had ice cream, got a pedicure (thanks Jack), and played games with my nephew. I was still really sad inside and battled with myself all day trying NOT to be angry. But it was all in vain because...
I got home and took out Nicoda's clay hand and foot impressions and they were all molded over. I think I scared my housemates because I screamed -- I just couldn't believe that the one thing I have of my son got ruined. :-( i'm over the limit that anyone should have to handle...

too many emotions to count

2009-01-30T20:43:00.000-08:00

as i sat down to try and write on this, i kept thinking what am i feeling? what am I thinking? and I'm not thinking or feeling any one thing. Mostly though I am angry and bitter. It rotates between being angry at work, myself, America, God, whoever happens to be there, pregnant women...the list can go on and on. At a support meeting the other day, my friend said something that has stuck with me. That our security has been violated, so nothing will ever be the same again. And I think that is how I feel the most. So anger because the way I used to picture God and life is now gone and is replaced with an even bleaker picture of the world. And without my firm trust in God for purpose, my whole world is rocked. No child is supposed be to taken away -- yet it happens to millions of people. I go and visit Nicoda everyday and you would not believe how many little friends he is there with. Babies buried from the 1940's til now -- and all of them with flowers on them still. Because they were a part of someone's life and dreams. It is so unfair. I cry and scream everyday because it is so unfair. I am breaking under this weight and I don't feel God at all. I have never in all my life felt so alone, never felt so unloved. I understand Moses when he said 'if this is the way you are going to treat me, put me to death at once'. In Hebrews it says "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he punishes every son he accepts." I just wish I knew what it was I was being punished for...so I could protect my next children. Everyone keeps saying God doesn't work like that, but He does. How quickly we forget that the Old Testament is evidence of God's anger and punishment over and over again for people's stupidity and unbelief. Well he has my attention -- and I believe that He is there and sovereign and loving -- but to those He choses and in the way He choses.

Today at work I found out that one of my parents is pregnant and it spiraled my whole day. This woman who has an adorable baby already in foster care because she can't drop her crack addiction and she gets to have another baby. A baby that needs to be protected; a baby that would be blessed to NOT be born to her and she gets him. But my so wanted and loved son is taken away. Where is the reasoning, the logic?

"My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say "Gone is my glory, an all that I had hoped for from the Lord" -- Lamentations (now I understand why this book is in the Bible)

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken? Why are you so far from helping me from the words of my groaning? Oh my God, I cry by day but you do not answer, and by night, but find no rest."

I need peace and I need a new joy. My cup is empty and my heart is broken... I need the God that I used to trust and find comfort in. :-(

Nicoda: Forever Remembered Me: Forever Changed

2009-01-24T16:33:00.000-08:00

Today I was sitting and thinking about how I feel inside -- how others think I should feel -- how people treat me now -- how much my life has changed. And I realized that Nicoda dying isn't a broken arm or an injury...it can't be healed and I'll never be the same Stacia again. I won't be able to have a worry free pregnancy next time, I won't be able to let any loved ones go without a part of me worrying. My life is changed, my heart is changed. I know this numb feeling inside, this fog I walk through each day will slowly go away. I know the heart wrenching pain that is in me, the one that goes deeper than tears will lessen as time goes by. But I also know that a part of me will never be so care-free again. I lost a child -- my child, my Nicoda.

People are harder to deal with now as well. They want to make you feel better and that is why I am sure parents around the world ignore the stupid things they say. "You'll be able to help others now" is one of them. Who in the midst of grief and anger wants to hear that their babies death is because NOW they will be able to help the next mommy. "God wanted Nicoda for Himself" is another that is hurtful for me (although I know not for all) because I don't want to think that God stole Nicoda, that He is selfish. My God is just as broken-hearted as me that Nicoda had to die and that Khalid and I have to suffer. "You're young...you'll have more babies" -- but not Nicoda isn't replaceable.

But what does help is when people just let me know that they will remember my son as well...that Nicoda doesn't disappear and isn't forgotten just because he didn't cry like other babies. He was stillborn, but born still. It is also helps for me just to know that people are thinking of me...I don't expect anyone to have an answer or know what to say. "I am thinking of you" and "I love you" are enough -- that's all anyone can do from the outside. God has to take care of the inside.

I thought today how exteremly blessed I am as well. I have people in my life that have just opened their arms (or cell phones) to let me cry and vent. I am so blessed to have so many friends and family to call to check on me. I am so blessed to have the bestest best friend in the whole world -- because now only does she make sure I know that she is thinking of me, her whole family has sent so many prayers and cards to help as well. And I am blessed to have such a patient husband -- who answers his phone at all hours of the night to listen to me cry and make me smile.

God is the Good Shepherd -- He is standing by me and is grieving with me. And thank goodness, God is patient with me as well because I can become so angry at Him for not protecting Nicoda. It is interesting how my mind can find so many people (usually me or God) to blame for Nicoda dying, but my heart doesn't give up on the knowledge that God is there.

'I love you Nicoda Shaw Hamidi. There is no purer love than a mother's love for her child. I am sorry that we did not get the time together that I had dreamed. But you will always be my son, a part of me. I won't say good-bye though...not to you, not ever. Because that is too final, and my love for you is stronger than this world.'

unhappy birthday

2009-01-20T21:40:00.001-08:00

i am in a weird, unknown place with my birthday being tomorrow...or today before I am done writing this. i have always loved my birthday beyond what is considered normal or traditional. My mom and husband were forced to celebrate my birthday month and week with me -- and my best friend Jacqueline would celebrate it with me willingly. but now I just wish it was any other day, but the day i USED to be so happy on. because I'm not happy...i feel as if I am the opposite of happy, but that is sad and I feel so much worse than sad. i know people will say 'Happy Birthday' and I will have to either force a smile or let them know that no, it isn't a happy one.

i attended a support group meeting tonight and it was again such a bittersweet thing. so many people who could understand the emptiness and anger inside of me, but i don't want to belong to that club. i want Nicoda so bad...I can still feel him kick and still remember how perfect he was when I got hold him.

i also started back to work this week which I now think was very stupid. my body aches by the end of the day and i feel borderline crazy trying to juggle all the little details that need to be done. i also put in my resignation though -- so that I when my two weeks is up, I will be free to fly and be with Khalid. I can't wait to see him but I am also nervous because I know it will be heart wrenching to share our grief together. And because it breaks Khalid's heart when I cry, so he prefers if I don't -- but since I cry on average twice a day now I am afraid it will be too much for him to handle. :-( So many things to think about -- things I shouldn't have to.

my new prayer that I need help praying is that i begin to understand that I don't have to be okay...that I can cry and scream and that is okay. I am always so worried about what others think and what is the right thing to do -- but right now there are no rights and wrongs, no rules or how to books to deal with this. i just need to do each day....

Saddest Day of My Life

2009-01-16T23:10:00.000-08:00

I feel like writing about my little Nicoda -- although writing is so bittersweet. I want everyone to know how precious he was and how perfect, but writing about it just reminds me that it is real.

On January 5th, I went to the hospital because I was worried about Nicoda not kicking and on January 6th, Nicoda was born stillborn at 31 weeks. The doctor said it was a rare disorder that made the placenta not provide Nicoda with enough oxygen as he got bigger. They kept assuring me that this would not affect having other kids and I just wanted to scream at all of them that I was not worried about other kids...I want my baby boy. My Nicoda Shaw. I got to hold him for hours afterward and it was so easy to convince myself that he was just sleeping. I mean he was perfect! All his precious little toes and fingers and a full head of hair. But they had to take him away and reality had to set in that God had given me the most beautiful gift and then ripped it away. God allowed me to feel such joy of him growing inside me and then allowed all of Khalid's and mine's dreams to disappear.

Now instead of my beautiful baby inside me, I just have despair and anger. Never in all of my life did I imagine that I would have to plan a funeral and place my baby in the ground. Never should a mommy have to kiss her baby and place him in a coffin. Never should a daddy not be given the chance to hold his son. Never should a human heart have to withstand this type of heartbreak and pain.

The funeral arrangements took what felt like forever to plan and was shocking for myself, Khalid, and my family: all the little details and the cost. It was a good distraction for a week though and then the funeral. The home was set up so beautiful with Nicoda in his bassinet. He was dressed in a little green giraffe outfit and we put several of his giraffe stuffed animals with him. He also had his Royals jersey and a Royals baseball from his papa. The home was decorated with his precious photos and so many people came from my work and from churches. I could handle all of that, but then I had to ride with Nicoda to the cemetery and thats when I went cold inside. My little boy in a box, in the ground -- instead of inside of me or in my arms. I feel like the worst mom in the world -- I couldn't protect my baby and now I have left him alone in the ground. There are not enough tears or words to describe how broken I am. Not enough days in this lifetime to make me forget Nicoda or to ever stop missing the angel who touched my life in such a big way.

So now I have new prayers -- ones that you can help by praying for me as well. "Father God, teach me to embrace my grief and not fight it, so that I may experience the true healing that comes from You. Carry me in your arms until I am able to walk again. Amen." My other prayer is not for myself but for my heartbroken husband..."Father in Heaven, hold Khalid in your arms as he searches for meaning. Draw him closer to You and to me. Let him experience such peace that he can not deny it is from You. Amen"

Bigger and Better

2008-12-20T22:10:00.000-08:00

I have been inspired by my beautiful friend, Jacqueline, to update my blog. I opened my blog to tell people how I was doing in Austria and the amazing things that were happening, so didn't keep adding after I returned to America. As I was reading my past posts though, I realized (in that way one does over and over again) that the things happening in my life right now are just as amazing.

Since my last post I found a car...a little red Neon named Peanut; a job...I am a Foster Care Case Manager for Cornerstones of Care where I do case management for kids and families; 3 places to live -- with Katie in her townhouse for a few months, in my own apartment which ended up having mold, and most recently with Mark and Heidi Elmore who have opened their home and lives to me. Most importantly though I married my life partner and husband, Khalid Hamidi. I actually met him while I was living in Austria and dated him while I was there. I did not write much about him while I was there because I struggled a lot with if I should be dating while doing mission work. But we stayed together even after I moved back to the States and the move back actually solidified our love for each other and gave both of us a clear vantage point to see how much we wanted to be together. So...we eloped on May 16th, 2008! That was the high point of our relationship together because we then started the long process of obtaining a visa when your husband is Afghani. Khalid and I are still in that process and pray everyday that God blesses us by bringing him here...

So Khalid and I have been married for 7 months now and are preparing for the most amazing thing our lives -- to be parents. Our blessing Nicoda is 29 weeks along and I believe a lot like his dad because it has not been an easy pregnancy. hee hee But even 9 hard months of pregnancy are going to be worth the joy of finally meeting Nicoda Shaw. We had our sonogram in November and had a special moment together when I went to visit in Vienna and we opened the sonogram paper...it said BOY! We both thought it was a boy and wanted a boy, so we were glad that Nicoda went along with us. :-) So now we pray with a deadline in mind -- March 16th is the date Nicoda comes and that we need Khalid to be here.

I believe that every week of pregnancy is better than the one before -- every week I can feel Nicoda move/kick more and more. I love reading about how he is growing and I stand amazed at what a miracle God is forming inside me. Nicoda really favors my right side though and I can feel him put his little hands and feet under my ribs (not such a pleasant feeling). He also loves to wake up as soon as he senses that I am about to sleep. :-) One other important fact about Nicoda is that he dislikes sweet things, especially ice cream. I could not believe and still can't that any child of mine would disagree with a nice bowl of chocolate heaven, but it's true. I still sneak some every now and again, but usually regret it later. :-)

Well I hope if you are reading this that you feel properly updated...I will update again soon and add some photos of myself x2 -- literally pictures of me twice as big. I tried to tell my family that I deserved twice as many gifts for Christmas this year, since I am twice as big as last, but I don't think they brought it.

Merry Christmas! God Bless!

Back to the Red, White, and Blue

2007-08-27T23:55:00.000-07:00

Amazing the circles that we live turn in. In my head, I imagined living in Kansas City to be in my distant, perhaps non-existent future, yet here I am. I am staying with my sister and her family right now as I adjust back to being back in America. I say out loud to people, "Yeah, I am home now" but then I think to myself, "Really is Kansas City home anymore...is America home?" That is how I know I am still in the adjustment phase. :-) I feel like I am just visiting my family, yet that doesn't mesh with searching for a job does it? But our God is an amazing God and He knows what I am doing.

At one church I visited upon coming back to America, a man commented on how sorry he was that my mission trip failed. I just blinked a couple of times and realized right then for myself that it was not a failure at all. It was not an easy decision to come home a year early from my mission trip -- but it was with God's guidance and shoving (God can gently push some people...but some people need shoves) that my change of plans came about. I won't lie, I hate that I had to come home early -- I hate how much I miss my youth group -- I hurt when I think of all "those things" I could have done differently -- and I cry knowing I left a home. BUT I rejoice in Lord because His plan is better than mine, and He knew when I went to Vienna that after 14 months I'd be back. Oh, how great is our God! That even when we see failure -- He sees lives changed and a plan that is so much bigger than we can imagine. Oh, how great is our God! That even when we are not happy, we can praise Him because we know we need the good times and the bad. Oh, how great is our God to put people into our lives to say exactly what we are thinking....and show us that we were wrong. Oh, how great is our God.

This past month being back in America I have visited several churches and shared how amazing and eventful my year in Austria was. I have gotten to rest and relax. I have seen several Royals games and even gotten to watch my niece play tennis. It has been a long month...and now I am about to start searching for a job and by default a car. But this past month has been filled with blessings....and those blessings are all people. My family has let me hibernate at their house, my mom flew me out to California to visit my grandma, my best friend came and stayed with me for a two days, one friend called many times after I first got back to keep reminding me it was okay to not be okay, and I had a very refreshing trip to Abilene -- my church family, my little bro, and so many special women who are like sisters to me. THANK YOU -- I thank each and everyone of you for loving me and supporting me. You have been angels to me.

I love you all and thank you again for your prayers -- without which I am sure my last year in Austria would not have been possible. And I ask that you continue to pray for all the seeds planted during this past year....

GOD BLESS! ALLES GUTE!

Doors Open, Doors Close

2007-06-22T14:22:00.000-07:00

“For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.”

I think that this passage above is a fairly popular Bible passage and for good reason. It talks about doors being opened and doors closing. I think that doors closing is one of the hardest things we as humans deal with – whether the closed door comes from a death, a graduation, failure, or just “a time” for a new door – it squeezes our hearts a little. While graduating from ACU I never looked at that time as a door closing because I was so excited about the open door to come to Vienna. I was in awe of God’s providence and guidance; I was excited to see “my kids” again and get to know them more; I was eager to start the work God had laid out for me. Now I look back on this one year that has passed and I see a great year…but I also see a door closing.

My friend, and 1st college roommate, Anya is staying with me right now as she does an internship at the United Nations here in Vienna. It has been the best blessing in the world to have her here and to have her help right now when I have been having problems and making decisions. The decision that I have come to is to return to America. Although I love my work here (my heart breaks thinking of leaving) I feel that I cannot adequetly continuing serving in God’s name with the way things are. Since my return from Germany, my problems with my collegue have mushroomed and my personal problems only add to this. Reggy (the other missionary) has the biggest capacity to love that I have ever seen – a book could be written about how much she gives. But my ideas of what we could do and should do with the kids ministry are not meshing with hers. This has been a decision that has not come lightly and will not be easy to carry out, but I pray that you can pray for me and the people here who will be affected. Thank you so much for all the prayers that have already gone up and for all the support I have received while being here.

These past couple of months have been (minus above problems) wonderful. I cannot write enough about how incredible the youth group here is. Today we are going to have youth group on the river – we are renting boats and going to have our Bible study on the water. And last Sunday, my amazing teens, put together a wonderful service – where they led the singing, did the Lord’s Supper, and even the preaching. Our theme was love/encouragement within the church and we ended with a fellowship dinner. THEY DID SO GOOD! Right now is also a crazy good time planning for camps and end-of-school-parties. The Teenager Camp is in 2 weeks and the Children’s Camp follows it directly. I am really excited for both camps this year because I feel so much more prepared for them. Usually I just fly in and go to camp and wing it – but this year the games are planned ahead, we are having themes, and the whole bit. Please pray that God is opening hearts now though, so that at camp we can just feed, feed, and feed them. Of course there is sooo much more going on and never enough time to write about it all. But have a great day and look for pictures later! Thanks again and I love you.

Random Info:
- I passed my German test with 101% -- the teacher gave me an extra 1% for having German on my tattoo; see Mom, the tattoo does do me some good
- I have the cutest nephew in the world – when I talked to him the other day, I was informed that it wasn’t fair to just have a father and mother day, he needed a day as well, so he shared Father’s Day with his dad. J
- I will insert pictures of my hair problem last week – this is no joke but I went to sleep with wet hair one night and when I woke up I had a knot the size of a golf ball. After three days of not being able to get it out, I went to a hair salon and the lady smiled at me and asked me if I wanted all of my hair in dreadlocks. I shockingly explained that no, I would prefer the “dreadlock” to be taken out.

more photos

2007-05-13T15:37:00.001-07:00

check out this link for more photos

Hildesheim, Germany and USA

Hildesheim, Germany

2007-05-13T15:37:00.000-07:00

Stop and Smell the Roses

2007-05-13T14:03:00.000-07:00

Life happens so fast. Do you remember when you were a kid and thought that 20 sounded so old and that 40 meant almost dead? I remember it so well, maybe because I work with kids who think I am old at 24. But getting older is so great -- I would not trade anything to have to be 10, 16, or 20 again. I would not because while life is flying by us we are learning so much. Through pain, through joy, through births and deaths, through others stupidity, and worse through our own...but we are learning. I have been reading a series called "The Secret of the Rose" about Nazi German and the Soviet reign; about how Christians and Jews dealt with those times. It has been such a spiritual balm for me to read stories of such incredible faith. One of the major themes or questions asked in the book is "How can this happen...how can God want this?" And of course we know that He does not want it, but I love a quote that I read about trials that come. "God uses our trials, he doesn't send them. His using them is why we are to thank Him for them. The soil of circumstance, as I like to think of it, is capable of producing much more fruit when it contains manure than when it contains nothing but lifeless sand." And how true that when we look back we see that the manure we sat in, spurred us into our biggest growth times. :-) That exact growth is what I am hoping my present troubles are spurring me towards. My own stupidity in choices has spiraled my life into problem, after problem -- but our God is a good God! I pray that the dumb things in my past will be used as a fertilizer to make me more into a woman that God can use, a woman that I am proud. of.

I flew back from Germany almost three weeks ago and it has been an adjustment. I was so excited to get back to Vienna and work; yet was let down. Let down because I had grown so much and learned so much in Germany, and came back to my old life where everything was semi-the-same, except me. But things are working themselves out. I am spending more time focusing on the youth group here (one on one time + activities) and scheduling in my personal God time. I am also excited to tell you all that our church celebrated two baptisms last week! Both were kids from the church and youth group here. It is always such an amazing opportunity to watch someone be baptized -- to confess Jesus as Lord and proclaim His power to all with such a simple element as water. I get goosebumps every time without fail! :-) The two other bigger things in the youth group is that we are raising money to get an LCD projector to use at youth group, church, and camp; and this week is our first ever lock-in. They are all super excited and I am just kinda super nervous that something important will break...like a window, the elevator, or me. (if you are from liberty, you might know my luck with lock-ins -- hee hee)

We are also doing lots of special things at the shelter as well. May is the month of holidays in Austria -- we have 4 state holidays. State holidays mean that everything is closed -- just like Christmas Day. On first one we took the kids to a huge, huge fenced in park. They liked the huge part and I liked the fenced in part. All of the 13 BOYS had a great time and the girls didn't because there were none. (weird, huh) This week is another holiday and we are taking the kids to a park to play American football. :-) It should be fun and hopefully done without broken bones.

My other great news is that God answered a prayer of mine. Since I got here I have been praying for a friend, someone to talk to, hang out with, etc. Finally God sent one in the form of one of my old college roommates, Anya! She is here doing an internship at the United Nations and she lives with me! It is wonderful to have someone to just be with and laugh with and we even went exercising together. YEA! GOD!!! YEA!

"Father God, I pray right now for myself as I write this blog/update, I pray for the people that are going to read it, and I pray that you are Lord of my heart and all the hearts checking this page. Thank you for your promises, thank you for Jesus, and thank you that we woke up today! You are a great and giving God."

Easter!!!

2007-03-30T14:55:00.000-07:00

I guess one thing that is important to know about me (not really) is that I am a sucker for all commerical holidays. When I lived in America, I even decorated for Valentine's Day and 4th of July...although I draw the line at Memorial Day and Labor Day. :-) So I say all that to say that I love Easter. All the spring colors, the Reesee's eggs, having another ploy to hold over kids heads...the whole thing. And the best part of the Easter and Christmas is that is the easiest time of the year to bring up God to people. Christ is risen! and so many people celebrate that day. What a joy to be a part of a great big family around the world who all on the same day will shout/sing/pray for joy because Christ didn't stay in the grave, he came back and saved us all! I get goosebumps just thinking about it! What a blessing, what a joy, what an honor that was bestowed upon us.... Being here in Europe where Easter is as big as a deal as Christmas is so cool. I know that most of the people are just excited because Spring is here, but the whole area shuts down for Easter. All of the stores and everything will be closed, so that families can be together over this holiday from Good Friday until Easter Tuesday. The schools are even out for two weeks....sounds nice to all the teachers, huh?
Right now I am staying in Germany with an amazing missionary family. The work in a town in the north part of the country and have a thriving church here. It is about 40-50 people and they have over 7 different Bible study groups meeting each week, among other outreaches. It has been a joy learning from them and taking a much needed break from Vienna. I will definitely go back with fresh eyes. Starting tomorrow I will be going to a preteen Easter camp and then a youth retreat over Easter weekend. I am really excited to meet lots of new people and to learn new songs in German. And I won't lie...I am really excited to drink pop! I gave it up for Lent, so come Easter Sunday and I will also be joyous about breaking my fast with a nice ice cold Dr. Pepper. (I still have a stash from the ones my brother sent and a few from my trip from America). After the camp I will be staying another week here and then back to Vienna. Please pray for me going back to Vienna. The situation with the guy I dated is still a problem and I will be searching for a roommate and an apartment Yea! I am excited to see who God is going to room me with and I hope it is a relationship that will be a blessing both ways.
Now to sign off...I want to wish all of you a wonderful Easter weekend! Remember that Christ died for you and for all and to make it even better He went to heaven and left us the Holy Spirit! What a gift! You are a child of God and may your heart rejoice with that knowledge and truth!

2007 and Beyond

2007-03-10T07:24:00.002-08:00

My, oh, my, time flies! :-) I wrote so long ago and kept meaning to write more and more and then suddenly I realized I must write, so people know I am alive. Thanks for being patient with me.
January -- the highlight and best part of January was that we had three baptisms! I will post pictures when my computer is back from the doctor, but our three new siblings are Micheal, Christina, and Benjamin. They are all apart of our youth group here in Vienna and it was such a joy to watch them take on Christ. Our youth group meets every Friday night for singing, a devo, and games/fellowship. We usually do one fun thing a month as well...in January it was an indoor water park. January was a hard month for me because Reggy, my coworker, was down and out for several weeks and another brother who usually helps at the shelter on Tues. and Thurs. had hip surgury. But a happy note is that I turned 24 with seemingly no problems at all. The preacher and his family made me my favorite dessert (cherry pie) and even had the words Happy Birthday cut out of the pie crust. I loved it! I also loved the Dr. Pepper from my brother...I almost fainted to open the two boxes and 24 beloved cans resting in an very abnormal amount of paper and stuffing. LOL My mom, also ever the sweetheart, sent me a birthday party in a box. It had a present, cake mix with frosting, decorations, and the whole works. It was a wonderful week. (I am a little embarassesd to say that I haven't gotten over the joy of birthdays yet and I tend to celebrate and have/force others celebrate with me for a whole week.)

Feburary: on the 1st of this cold, short month I got my Christmas present from my mom...a flight to visit home. I was a bridemaid in my beautiful friend Janaye's wedding. We had a lot of fun running around together in college (and by running, i mean pranking) and it was a thrill to be able to see her BIG day. I also got to visit my favorite church in the whole world, New Life, in Abilene and hang out with friends and my Little Brother. I loved getting to catch up with people, get and give A LOT of hugs, and hold my friend Jenna's little precious boy who I hadn't been able to meet yet. The next stop of my two week trip was to Kansas City for a little R&R with my family. My family doesn't usually go hand in hand with R&R though, so it more like running around and having fun. I got to see the Dead Sea Scrolls with my good friend Fletcher. They were amazing to see and to hear the history of, and it was equally amazing to be uplifted by Fletcher. We spent hours remembering and talking at a very classy resturant called the Waffle House and he blessed me with inviting me to sing (IN ENGLISH) with his youth group. :-) But hands down my nieces and nephew win the best part of my trip award. My nieces celebrated their 14 and 15 birthday while I was home and i relished in giving them a hard time for a full week to make up for being gone. I also spent a lot of time playing and reading and tickling the most adorable little boy, Zachery David Ralph, my nephew. I had a wonderful, amazing, and totally blessed trip.

Upon my return real life hit hard. I found out that because of an electrical problem, I am having to move out of my apartment; I am constantly struggling with my German; and I have an ex boyfriend that I can't get rid of. But God will make a way, of that I am always certain. I need be looking up more and more and thinking "Thank you God that you know what has gone on, what is going on, and what will go on. Thank you also that You do not just know, but that you are working in it all. Thank you for life, for trials and blessings, and for your Son, Jesus who died for us and made it possible for us to have the Holy Spirit." Please pray for me -- that I will learn more and more to step aside and to just be used by God. My life needs that to happen and this ministry that I desire God to do in me requires that as well. Thank you so much your prayers, your love, and your support! I love you all and would love to pray for you as well. Just send me an e-mail or post a comment. Thanks and look for a new post in a few weeks...I will learn to write more. May the peace that passes understanding be upon you and yours!

Holidays 2006

2007-03-10T07:24:00.001-08:00

Frohes Weihnachten und Ein Gutes Neues Jahre! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! My holidays were wonderful here in Vienna. Since they celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve, we got to celebrate with the whole church on Sunday. Our youth group made breakfast for everyone and then after church we had a big present exchange for the kids. Reggy had brought a present for each kid and I made little candy/toy gift bags. The kids loved it and they loved their lives even more when we ate at McDonald's for lunch. :-) I, praise God, was spared the McDonald's and journeyed to my preachers house for an Austrian holiday meal -- which is usually goose or fish. Their three boys surprised me with a bracelet, a funny card, and a gift certificate for 10 free treats. I gave them something I knew they would love and hopefully share...one of my jars of peanut butter...since they are half-American they treasure peanut butter as well. Then I ended my night by going to one of my teens house where he and his mom had lots of company over. They are from Muldava and I was blessed to eat a WHOLE meal again; aka she would not take no for an answer and even gave me seconds. We played games and visited until real late. On the actual Christmas day, I wake up and opened some of the presents that survived the wait (i am sad to say that it wasn't very many cause I am not a very patient person) and then delivered a few more presents. Afterwards I treated myself to a thermal pool...it has very warm water with lots of massage spouts, music playing, calm lights, and aroumatheraphy saunas. It was heavenly! To end my night I talked to my family for hours.... :-)
A few days after Christmas, we had a Winter Camp at the church house in the Alps. There we got to sled and snowboard and go for walks all afternoon, while enjoying Bible lessons in the morning and evening. It was a very relaxing camp and a great time to get to know each other better. On New Year's Eve, we all trooped outside and watched the fireworks from about 7 different towns. They looked so small from our vantage point, but it was a great time. Then after we trooped back in, we gave out New Year Blessings. The blessings were letters written by all of us to all of us throughout the week. For those that like touchy feel moments...it was exactly the moment you dream of...tears, hugs, big smiles. :-)

Thoughts

2006-12-21T09:26:00.000-08:00

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. Many times we hear this or repeat this to get excited, but how true it is. I am sick right now, so deceided that I should write a little of all the random things that go on in my head. One for instance is how we (christians) try so hard to act like Jesus. We try to take out sins from our lives and replace them with attributes of Jesus. Is this wrong? It sounds good, I know, but we can't add Jesus to our lives. We have Jesus, we only need to show what is already inside of us. When we accepted Jesus and the Holy Spirit take over our hearts, we are covered in Jesus, in grace, in love. So becoming a "better" Christian has nothing to do with removing a sin -- it has to do with revealing the Christ living in us and that leads to the sin disappearing. Right now I know that my biggest sin is lack of trust in God -- and that can not just be carved out and replaced. It will only leave by looking within and trusting. Because the more I focus on the problem, the more the problem controls me. It is an exciting thought for me that I am using something I have learned in my social work studies to better my relationship with God. Build on strengths...don't just focus on what needs to be fixed (although that does have its moments), but look at what are you already doing, what doors God has open for you, and do that. I love you all and if you are reading this say a quick prayer for me to feel better. I don't mind writing here, but I won't lie that I would rather be outside of my house doing something....LOL Merry Christmas

My New Home, Yet Missing Home

2006-12-17T12:40:00.000-08:00

Vienna, Austria. I remember coming here only for summer mission trips and sitting back thinking -- "whoa! i am in Europe!" Now I live here. :-) And with that comes just joy and heartache. The heartache is due to the holidays I know and because I have such a great family (with great sized problems -- but that runs in all families i am told). Thanksgiving was great! I took that Thursday and Friday off school and cooked a lot of treats to share. It isn't my favorite they haven't discovered the joy of having a holiday only for family and eating -- two of the things I am most thankful for. But on the other hand, they have a holiday for almost everything else! I soak up those holidays along with the American ones. hee hee Speaking of every one's favorite holiday -- I am all ready for Christmas. And by ready I mean I worried that I won't have any presents to open under my tree (which I love my little tree!) because my family mailed them to early. So the darn little boxes just sit there and wave at me -- seriously I feel bad for them, so I open them well at least one a day. After one present, my self control kicks back on. LOL And I have been having fun making cookies with children and finding them all little presents. We had a Christmas concert recently which is better described as a Christmas Talent Show, but it was so great. A lot of the families we work with at the shelter all come and watched it at the church building. Also this week we are having a Christmas party with the youth group and the shelter kids. Then on Christmas Eve, my gallant teens are waking up early and serving brunch at church. Maybe you can help me pray that they do not forget to come...I do not mind cooking...but all alone for the whole church? The other latest event in my life was my weekend trip to Bratislava (the capital of Slovakia). It is only a 45 minute trip by train, but I needed a stamp on my passport. (I can only stay in Vienna for 90 days and then I have to take a short trip..like one day until my visa comes). I got to visit the church there and even got to attend their Christmas party. It was a lot of fun and I got to practice my German a lot. You see, Slovakia used to be Czechoslovakia and so it was in the USSR, so in school besides learning Slovak and Russia, they all had to learn German. Now they must English in the schools, but all of the adults were excited to use their German. Bratislava is a very old city that has many traces of Communism still. They are beginning to build new buildings now and have a beautiful old palace. Not to mention an amazing cook..aka the mom of my friend..who made such good food. Now it is time for me to go and rummage up some food...until next time. I love you and Merry Christmas!

Christmas Donations

2006-11-20T04:20:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas! Frohe Weihnachten! I am so excited for Christmas this year and the chance to share it with my new friends (a little more than a little homesick too, but that comes with the territory). But if you like to help with Christmas here for the homeless kids I work with -- please feel free to send gifts to my Vienna address or money to my sponsering church (SouthWest Central Church of Christ in Houston, Texas) Thanks and Happy Holidays!

Pictures

2006-11-14T13:46:00.000-08:00

Alicia -- the precious girl I babysit

Me -- I am so happy the first day we had snow

Reggy -- the other missionary attempting to belly dance (it was a game)

Teenage Camp Photo

Time Flies -- 4 Months in Vienna

2006-11-14T05:14:00.000-08:00

Me:
The joy of the Lord will be my strength! This is what I continually remind myself when I get discouraged. Right now I feel very weak - not physically, but spiritually. I know this is because I want to see results, I want know which lives (if any) are being changed, but that knowledge is not for me to know now or maybe ever. But praise God that all of the unknowns today are being taken care of by the all-knowing God today and tomorrow. I will also admit that being a missionary is nothing like I thought it would. With my great imagination I dreamed up this ideal image and knew exactly what I was going to be doing everyday of my two years-- then the truth hit -- it isn't so easy, it requires my faith to grow everyday, i have no set schedule or responsibilities (which some may say sounds great, but it s ot for my personality), and i keep awful hours. :-) But again I say praise God for he says, " My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness. So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. "

Vienna:
My work at the shelter continues and I will say that it is one of my favorite parts of my week -- which s lucky for me because I get to go three times a week. The kids can be so precious and when they are not, I am reminded that these are times I am here for -- for the lessons to be learned and taught. Last week three little girls (8-9 yr. old) reminded of how much more we need to be praying for the kids growing up right now as they discussed which boy they should have sex with...not if, or when, but which. After my heart attack we had a little conversation about how precious they are to God and how they don't want to waste any of they time or energy on a stupid boy. Then I began praying! I am also praying for more women to do Bible studies with. I am currently only doing one 1-1 study with a woman, although still having 2 group lessons and the youth group. But my days are full with people and my nights (not my favorite) with German homework. Aber meine Duestch sind noch besser und besser jeden Tag. (But my German is better and better everyday.)

Prayers:
kids at the shelter
my relationship with the other missionary here, Reggy
the people of Vienna
the teenagers in the youth group
the church here in Vienna -- that they grow and that they want to grow
for the hearts of the women God has planned for me to study with
my knowledge of German
and always more strength, joy, and patience from the Spirit

Father, thank you for how much you love the greatest and the least and everyone in-between. Thank you for how much you show yourself in our lives in all of our blessings and especially in our trials. I love you so much and I ask that also bless each person reading this. Amen