Friday, July 17, 2009

Time Away, Time Alone

Right now I am on a mini-vacation. I say mini not because it is short in time, but because I have responsibilities while I am on it. To start with I drove to my mom's for a couple of days in Kentucky. We had a good time. I shared with her my book I made for Nicoda, we went thrift store and book shopping, and I got to meet all of her farm animals. We also got to tour one of the oldest houses in Lexington built in 1810. I didn't ride a horse though....just took a picture by one for Khalid.
Then I came to Cabot, Arkansas....to house/child/ sit for an friend from Abilene. Her husband is stationed in Little Rock and they were headed for vacation, so I came to watch the animals. Two things about AR: first there are more flies here in Cabot then all of the rest of America; second it so humid here the steam rises off the ground and my glasses fog whenever I walk outside the house...i wouldn't have believed it to be so only one state south of my own.

The vacation part comes mentally. I am taking purposefully time to regroup my emotions and my thoughts. I am making Nicoda's scrapbook while I am here and have already had some very hard nights just reliving everything. Yet I feel in the end it is really going to help. The first night I started to sort through my pictures I broke down. I wanted so badly to hold Nicoda -- to just have one more minute to hold him, to feel his baby soft skin, to run away from the hospital with him and take him to Khalid....but that won't come til heaven. :-( I cried for most of the night and the next, despite my sleeping pills til exhaustion took over. When I woke up two days ago (in the afternoon - HA!) I was reading my devotional and it was on the verse in Proverbs "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" and I was struck by how I am trying so hard to be strong with only my own strength and using only what I know of this world. As I keep thinking about it all day, I tearfully came to the realization that God knows exactly how I feel -- He lost His Son too. Not that I did not cognitive know that already -- but mind and heart knowledge don't always meet up. When God's Son died, the biggest blessing in world occurred...a chance to have a relationship with God on a slate washed clean by His blood. So I am going to miss Nicoda for the rest of my life and I am still going to cry a lot -- but I am going to pray and pray everyday that Nicoda's death will bring blessings in some form as well.

"Dear God, I am so sorry for forgetting how much you love my little boy and you hurt when I hurt. Please allow me to let you hold me and heal me. Continue to open my eyes as Your plan unfolds...help my unbelief. And as always please open a door to allow Khalid and me to be together. Amen."