This past week was very traumatic for me. I have been spiraling since Easter and this week was not any better. The best way to explain how I feel is a roller coaster of emotions. I am out of the stage of grief where it I’m depressed 24/7 – but I feel as if that not being depressed all the time is harder. I will have a couple of days where I can see the sunshine and I can hope for tomorrows….then it is whamo! and the truck hits me again. It is so hard to get a glimpse of where I want to be and then to be taken back to the down in the gut wrenching pain. Sometimes it rotates day by day, sometime hour by hour.
This week I spiraled because they seeded Nicoda’s grave.
In my head that line deserves its own paragraph because of how hard it has been this week because of it. I broke down at the cemetery when I saw because it just is one more way to cement in my mind that Nicoda is gone….gone as in forever. That was Monday – so Tuesday I didn’t even leave my bed and Wednesday I spent the day again at the cemetery. Thursday I had to work and I went to Bible study which also makes me feel better. Friday started out great – I was teaching 4th grade and excited to go to the Royals game that night. Then we got to the SOLD OUT Royals game and I realized our section was the pregnant women and babies section (not really but it seemed that way). All happiness gone, all desire to be there, and a huge anxiety attack. All those women have what I cannot have…..and it isn’t fair.
For awhile I was at a point where the why didn’t matter anymore; I’m back to it mattering. I want to know WHY!?! Why my baby? If I ever saw a friend or family member hurting like me – I couldn’t take it. I would need to do something to take it away….so if God really loves me why doesn’t He help me? Why didn’t He stop Nicoda from dying? Why doesn’t He let me be with Khalid? Why did he let me go to a game that would devastate me? Why is He so far away? I can’t wrap my mind around it…I can’t see through the pain enough. I know all of the “Bible” answers to those questions, but they don’t soothe my raw, bleeding emotions. I know God is there because He promised to be – but I don’t feel Him or see Him. I feel alone – I am alone.
I want to be held….I want to sleep again….I want to hold my son….I want my husband!