They say as time goes by the pain becomes less, but I am struggling to believe them. It has been three months to the day since I got to see and hold my precious baby and it breaks my heart that I am that far away in time from him. I know that Nicoda is blessed and that he lives in heaven, spared from our fallen world -- but 3 months since the last time I got to kiss his face and feel his kicks feels like an eternity. I still go to the store and look at little clothes and think, "How cute he would be in this" -- only now I don't buy them.
Last Sunday I went to his gravesite and I was so upset -- I just wanted to scream and yell at the injustice it is that my son lives in a cementary....but before I could start, I felt his voice keep saying over and over to me, "I'm not here Mommy, I'm not here." I know it probably doesn't make sense to many people, but it was just another reminder to me that his grave is where I can grieve -- but he isn't there. He is being held in heaven -- eternally blessed.
Nicoda -- You are so blessed to be with Jesus. Remember at the same time God is holding you in His arms, I am holding you in my heart. I love you. I miss you. -- Mommy