Last Friday would have been Nicoda's first birthday..had God seen fit for him to live. It was a VERY hard day for me. I can't even describe the emptiness that fills my heart when I think of Nicoda -- it is like I lost something and am constantly in a state of panic searching for him. I don't understand!!! How did I get 'chosen' to have all my dreams pulled away -- no husband to hold me and no baby to take care of? Is it Satan being himself or is God punishing me for some sin? Is it my fault for dreaming so much...for planning out Nicoda's life until he was 60 before I even heard him cry. I wonder everyday if I hadn't dreamed so much, if it would hurt less.
Tomorrow I leave to go be with my husband for a few weeks and I am sad for my him because not even that excites me right now. I know it will be SO comforting, but there is no joy. Yet talking to Khalid is almost the only time each day I smile, so maybe it will be more than just comforting. I feel so torn leaving Kansas City too -- I feel like I am leaving Nicoda. I visit his grave everyday and now I won't be able to there for 6 weeks. And at the same time it makes me so mad because it is only 6 weeks....6 weeks to spend with my husband then I am back to being alone again.
My life and brain has turned into a great contradiction as well...
I would never chose anyone I love to go through this pain, yet I long for someone to understand. I need God so much, yet my trust in Him is shattered. I cry everyday, yet never seem to run out of tears. I love that my precious baby, Nicoda is in heaven, but my arms ache that he is not with me. I am so grateful for how people have prayed for me and so angry the need to pray is even there.
So to continue the contradictions please pray that I can go at least one day without breaking down and pray that this is all a dream and that I will wake up on January 5to a different life.