Tuesday, January 20, 2009

unhappy birthday

i am in a weird, unknown place with my birthday being tomorrow...or today before I am done writing this. i have always loved my birthday beyond what is considered normal or traditional. My mom and husband were forced to celebrate my birthday month and week with me -- and my best friend Jacqueline would celebrate it with me willingly. but now I just wish it was any other day, but the day i USED to be so happy on. because I'm not happy...i feel as if I am the opposite of happy, but that is sad and I feel so much worse than sad. i know people will say 'Happy Birthday' and I will have to either force a smile or let them know that no, it isn't a happy one.

i attended a support group meeting tonight and it was again such a bittersweet thing. so many people who could understand the emptiness and anger inside of me, but i don't want to belong to that club. i want Nicoda so bad...I can still feel him kick and still remember how perfect he was when I got hold him.

i also started back to work this week which I now think was very stupid. my body aches by the end of the day and i feel borderline crazy trying to juggle all the little details that need to be done. i also put in my resignation though -- so that I when my two weeks is up, I will be free to fly and be with Khalid. I can't wait to see him but I am also nervous because I know it will be heart wrenching to share our grief together. And because it breaks Khalid's heart when I cry, so he prefers if I don't -- but since I cry on average twice a day now I am afraid it will be too much for him to handle. :-( So many things to think about -- things I shouldn't have to.

my new prayer that I need help praying is that i begin to understand that I don't have to be okay...that I can cry and scream and that is okay. I am always so worried about what others think and what is the right thing to do -- but right now there are no rights and wrongs, no rules or how to books to deal with this. i just need to do each day....


FeedingYourMind said...

Your prayer couldn't be anymore right on! Love ya, birthday-girl!

Brenda Collins said...

i am brenda collins...you stayed at our house when you came to NYC.

i am so sorry. our family has lost a baby and i am so sorry. we will pray your prayers.