Friday, January 30, 2009

too many emotions to count

as i sat down to try and write on this, i kept thinking what am i feeling? what am I thinking? and I'm not thinking or feeling any one thing. Mostly though I am angry and bitter. It rotates between being angry at work, myself, America, God, whoever happens to be there, pregnant women...the list can go on and on. At a support meeting the other day, my friend said something that has stuck with me. That our security has been violated, so nothing will ever be the same again. And I think that is how I feel the most. So anger because the way I used to picture God and life is now gone and is replaced with an even bleaker picture of the world. And without my firm trust in God for purpose, my whole world is rocked. No child is supposed be to taken away -- yet it happens to millions of people. I go and visit Nicoda everyday and you would not believe how many little friends he is there with. Babies buried from the 1940's til now -- and all of them with flowers on them still. Because they were a part of someone's life and dreams. It is so unfair. I cry and scream everyday because it is so unfair. I am breaking under this weight and I don't feel God at all. I have never in all my life felt so alone, never felt so unloved. I understand Moses when he said 'if this is the way you are going to treat me, put me to death at once'. In Hebrews it says "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he punishes every son he accepts." I just wish I knew what it was I was being punished for...so I could protect my next children. Everyone keeps saying God doesn't work like that, but He does. How quickly we forget that the Old Testament is evidence of God's anger and punishment over and over again for people's stupidity and unbelief. Well he has my attention -- and I believe that He is there and sovereign and loving -- but to those He choses and in the way He choses.

Today at work I found out that one of my parents is pregnant and it spiraled my whole day. This woman who has an adorable baby already in foster care because she can't drop her crack addiction and she gets to have another baby. A baby that needs to be protected; a baby that would be blessed to NOT be born to her and she gets him. But my so wanted and loved son is taken away. Where is the reasoning, the logic?

"My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say "Gone is my glory, an all that I had hoped for from the Lord" -- Lamentations (now I understand why this book is in the Bible)

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken? Why are you so far from helping me from the words of my groaning? Oh my God, I cry by day but you do not answer, and by night, but find no rest."

I need peace and I need a new joy. My cup is empty and my heart is broken... I need the God that I used to trust and find comfort in. :-(