Friday, January 16, 2009

Saddest Day of My Life

I feel like writing about my little Nicoda -- although writing is so bittersweet. I want everyone to know how precious he was and how perfect, but writing about it just reminds me that it is real.

On January 5th, I went to the hospital because I was worried about Nicoda not kicking and on January 6th, Nicoda was born stillborn at 31 weeks. The doctor said it was a rare disorder that made the placenta not provide Nicoda with enough oxygen as he got bigger. They kept assuring me that this would not affect having other kids and I just wanted to scream at all of them that I was not worried about other kids...I want my baby boy. My Nicoda Shaw. I got to hold him for hours afterward and it was so easy to convince myself that he was just sleeping. I mean he was perfect! All his precious little toes and fingers and a full head of hair. But they had to take him away and reality had to set in that God had given me the most beautiful gift and then ripped it away. God allowed me to feel such joy of him growing inside me and then allowed all of Khalid's and mine's dreams to disappear.

Now instead of my beautiful baby inside me, I just have despair and anger. Never in all of my life did I imagine that I would have to plan a funeral and place my baby in the ground. Never should a mommy have to kiss her baby and place him in a coffin. Never should a daddy not be given the chance to hold his son. Never should a human heart have to withstand this type of heartbreak and pain.

The funeral arrangements took what felt like forever to plan and was shocking for myself, Khalid, and my family: all the little details and the cost. It was a good distraction for a week though and then the funeral. The home was set up so beautiful with Nicoda in his bassinet. He was dressed in a little green giraffe outfit and we put several of his giraffe stuffed animals with him. He also had his Royals jersey and a Royals baseball from his papa. The home was decorated with his precious photos and so many people came from my work and from churches. I could handle all of that, but then I had to ride with Nicoda to the cemetery and thats when I went cold inside. My little boy in a box, in the ground -- instead of inside of me or in my arms. I feel like the worst mom in the world -- I couldn't protect my baby and now I have left him alone in the ground. There are not enough tears or words to describe how broken I am. Not enough days in this lifetime to make me forget Nicoda or to ever stop missing the angel who touched my life in such a big way.

So now I have new prayers -- ones that you can help by praying for me as well. "Father God, teach me to embrace my grief and not fight it, so that I may experience the true healing that comes from You. Carry me in your arms until I am able to walk again. Amen." My other prayer is not for myself but for my heartbroken husband..."Father in Heaven, hold Khalid in your arms as he searches for meaning. Draw him closer to You and to me. Let him experience such peace that he can not deny it is from You. Amen"

5 comments:

The Leonards said...

Stacia, I'm so sorry. I do not understand at all what you are going through but I do know that God is faithful. He hears your cries and your prayers. He loves you more than you can imagine. He willingly sent his ONLY son to come to earth for us!! That's powerful.

When my birth mom died, I listened to a Casting Crowns song and it helped me get through some tough days. I want to share the lyrics with you and I pray it encourages you.

Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I'm praying for you and Khalid. {{{HUGS}}}

Alexander said...

Dear Stacia!

I am so sorry for what you have to go through! May you feel God's embrace soon again!

You should watch this! We're praying for you!
Love,
Sabine
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=c975d005cd2c4d261f7f

FeedingYourMind said...

Stacia: Thank you for your willingness to let us into such a personal and heart-breaking experience for you. May your sharing it help you to heal and bring you even more support from those around you. What precious pictures you have chosen to share.
Much love to you and Khalid as you continue with the grieving process!

Jacqueline said...

Such a beautiful boy. Praying peace and love continually over you. Love you so much. Wish I could wrap you in a hug, friend.

s&sjohnson08 said...

Wish i could wrap my arms around you friend! it is unfair to fall so deeply in love with a baby to only to have it taken away so quickly. Thank you for sharing your story, your pain and frustration. I pray for healing for you and Khalid.
Just remember, God is good, all the time.
Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD,'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."