Today I was sitting and thinking about how I feel inside -- how others think I should feel -- how people treat me now -- how much my life has changed. And I realized that Nicoda dying isn't a broken arm or an injury...it can't be healed and I'll never be the same Stacia again. I won't be able to have a worry free pregnancy next time, I won't be able to let any loved ones go without a part of me worrying. My life is changed, my heart is changed. I know this numb feeling inside, this fog I walk through each day will slowly go away. I know the heart wrenching pain that is in me, the one that goes deeper than tears will lessen as time goes by. But I also know that a part of me will never be so care-free again. I lost a child -- my child, my Nicoda.
People are harder to deal with now as well. They want to make you feel better and that is why I am sure parents around the world ignore the stupid things they say. "You'll be able to help others now" is one of them. Who in the midst of grief and anger wants to hear that their babies death is because NOW they will be able to help the next mommy. "God wanted Nicoda for Himself" is another that is hurtful for me (although I know not for all) because I don't want to think that God stole Nicoda, that He is selfish. My God is just as broken-hearted as me that Nicoda had to die and that Khalid and I have to suffer. "You're young...you'll have more babies" -- but not Nicoda isn't replaceable.
But what does help is when people just let me know that they will remember my son as well...that Nicoda doesn't disappear and isn't forgotten just because he didn't cry like other babies. He was stillborn, but born still. It is also helps for me just to know that people are thinking of me...I don't expect anyone to have an answer or know what to say. "I am thinking of you" and "I love you" are enough -- that's all anyone can do from the outside. God has to take care of the inside.
I thought today how exteremly blessed I am as well. I have people in my life that have just opened their arms (or cell phones) to let me cry and vent. I am so blessed to have so many friends and family to call to check on me. I am so blessed to have the bestest best friend in the whole world -- because now only does she make sure I know that she is thinking of me, her whole family has sent so many prayers and cards to help as well. And I am blessed to have such a patient husband -- who answers his phone at all hours of the night to listen to me cry and make me smile.
God is the Good Shepherd -- He is standing by me and is grieving with me. And thank goodness, God is patient with me as well because I can become so angry at Him for not protecting Nicoda. It is interesting how my mind can find so many people (usually me or God) to blame for Nicoda dying, but my heart doesn't give up on the knowledge that God is there.
'I love you Nicoda Shaw Hamidi. There is no purer love than a mother's love for her child. I am sorry that we did not get the time together that I had dreamed. But you will always be my son, a part of me. I won't say good-bye though...not to you, not ever. Because that is too final, and my love for you is stronger than this world.'